BABY BIRDING OURSELVES

Karen Kenney: 00:00:00

It's the Karen Kenney Show. Hey, you guys,

Karen Kenney: 00:00:04

welcome to the Karen Kenney Show. I'm super duper excited to

Karen Kenney: 00:00:07

be here with you today. And today is like kind of an

Karen Kenney: 00:00:10

interesting episode in that it has to do with a lot of bees,

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like the letter B, so it has to do with baby birds and bugs, it

Karen Kenney: 00:00:18

has to do with our bodies, a book, and a band. I swear, I

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swear, it's all gonna make sense if you just buckle up for

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safety, stick around, find out where all this is going. So, of

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course, it's going to start with a couple of stories. Okay, and

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I'm going to bring all of these elements together. Remember,

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baby birds and bugs are bodies, a book and a band. Okay, but

Karen Kenney: 00:00:45

stay with me. I promise it's gonna make sense. Okay, so I'm a

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Gen X kid, right? Like, I'm about to be 58 and so the

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millennials are kind of like the group that's like right behind

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us. These are the people that were born, I think, from like 81

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to whatever, I don't know what that is, 95 or something like

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that. Oh my god. Okay, so you know how on the internet people

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put up like little memes or they make little graphics with quotes

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or whatever, right? And I'll never forget seeing. Oh my god,

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I'll never forget seeing, and I'm not going to name names or

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do anything like that, but I just remember seeing one day

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this person who was a quote unquote coach of some kind, and

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they're, they're younger, right, they're in the millennial group,

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I don't know their exact age, and they put up a quote, kind of

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like making, making it like look like it was their quote, like

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it's an original thought, right? And literally, this is what it

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said. It said, quote, "Hold on loosely, but don't let go, hold

Karen Kenney: 00:01:57

on loosely but don't let go, right? And I was just like, I

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saw it, and I just started. First of all, I was looking

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immediately for the attribution, right, to give credit to, like,

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who actually, where this phrase and saying actually came from,

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but they never did, and right away, like, I go to the comment

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section, because I know those of us who are old enough to know

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where this quote comes from. Those of us who are old enough,

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as soon as we hear that phrase, hold on loosely, but don't let

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go, our brain automatically fills in the rest, right? If you

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squeeze too tightly, you're going to lose control. So this

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was, if you're not aware, if you don't know the band 38 Special,

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this was like a huge hit that they had back in like 1981

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right? It's like the opening line is like you see it all

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around you, good loving gone bad. Oh my god. Okay, so this

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person is putting up like this little piece of wisdom, right,

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as if it's their original thought, and everybody in the

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comments were like, you know, putting the 38 special quotes

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into it, like, dude, this is a song from, like, 81 or whatever,

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oh my god, it was so freaking funny, but I want to talk about

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this, because the essence of this message is, you know, what

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this, what this episode is about today, and the song, and I'm

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gonna, it's all gonna make sense, the baby birds, the bugs,

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whatever. Okay, but it goes on to say this in the song, because

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this will come into play later. It says your baby needs someone

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to believe in, and then this is the key line, and a whole lot of

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space to breathe in, right. So this is all about this concept

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of being in a relationship and not being like suffocating, like

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yes, be supportive, right, but don't be suffocating, and this

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is about in relation to others, like when you're around others,

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and this is how a lot of relationships go bad, is people

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get weird, or people get jealous, or people try to get

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controlling, and they try to control everything, right, but

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they, they're too suffocating, it's like too much, and this is

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how a lot of relationships can end, right, so see it all around

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you, good love and good bad, but okay, so it starts with this

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meme in this band of 38 specials saying hold on loosely but don't

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let go.

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This is really great advice in a lot of ways that we can apply

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towards ourselves, right? But what, what made me want to do

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this episode is first of all I was thinking about that story.

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My sweetie is a professional musician, right? So I will often

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try, and I quiz him, like I'll just yell down from up here in

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my writing office, and I'll be like, I'll go over the, like,

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there's a tiny little balcony right there, and I'll be like,

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sweetie, right, like, who's this, and I'll play like two

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seconds of a song for him, or whatever, and I'm always

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quizzing him, because he freaking knows it's so hard for.

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Me to like stump them, you know. Okay, so hold this idea in your

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mind, hold on loosely, but don't let go. And I started thinking

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about this again, because we live here out in the woods, so

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like every time you open the door, especially in the later

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hours of the day, something flies in, whether it's a moth,

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right, a mosquito, a bug, or whatever, and I try not to kill

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anything. I'm gonna do a whole episode on that. I have my

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panties in a bunch right now about people killing spiders,

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right? Like, I'm like, "Oh, so I'm gonna do a whole podcast at

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some point about that, but so whenever something flies into

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the house, a lot of let's just say it's a moth, I tried to

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rescue them and get to them before Bunchy does, because

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Bunchy is not.. I don't even think he.. I don't know if no,

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if he'll eat them, but he tries to like step on them and grab

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them with his mouth, and I'm like, oh my god, no. But the

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thing is, when you're trying to rescue something, when you're

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trying to save something, you cannot hold it too tightly, so

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if I can capture whether it's a fly or a moth or a bug of some

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kind, right, you've got to hold it loosely, but because if you

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hold it too tight, you're going to kill it, you're going to

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crush its wings, right. So, a lot of times when we think we're

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trying to be helpful and it's like, oh, I'm going to grab this

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thing and I got to make sure that I get it, you know, I get

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it outside, but it's like, if you're not careful, if you're a

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little too aggressive in your efforts, then you're going to

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cause more harm than you're going to do good, and we do this

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to ourselves as well. And when I started thinking about, right,

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like the whole song and the band 38 special, and thinking about

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the bugs and stuff like that, I was like, a lot of times this is

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us in relationship, you know, to like other things, like when

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we're, we put too much pressure on other people, we put too much

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pressure on the relationship, we put too much pressure on people

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to be a certain way, or whatever, and it comes back to

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that whole thing, right, your baby needs a whole lot of space

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to breathe in, there has to be room for, you know, for them to

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be themselves, that's really the heartbeat of that, but when

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we're applying it to ourselves, it is so often that we put so

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much pressure on ourselves to change, to heal, to figure it

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out, to process it. I got to do it, I gotta do it, but the

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reality is, is that we also need room and time. We need space,

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and we need time to grow, and to change, and to process, and to

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heal.

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And if we're not careful, and if we put too much pressure on

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ourselves, we're actually doing more harm to ourselves than we

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are being helpful, and this comes to this idea of the baby

Karen Kenney: 00:07:43

birds, so I remember learning about because we, again, I've

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talked about this in the past, like many, many, many episodes

Karen Kenney: 00:07:53

ago, that my sweetie and I, but you know, will often stop if

Karen Kenney: 00:07:57

there's an injured animal, if we see something on the side of the

Karen Kenney: 00:08:00

road, and my sweetie has found a couple of baby birds, like

Karen Kenney: 00:08:04

little birds that needed to be rescued and helped, and the

Karen Kenney: 00:08:08

thing is, again, when you're picking up a bird that has been

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hurt, and especially baby birds, you have to hold them in your

Karen Kenney: 00:08:16

hand in such a way that if you cannot hold it too tight, you

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got to hold it tight enough to secure it, so it doesn't fall

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out of your hand and fall on the ground and get hurt, or

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whatever, get injured or more injured. You have to hold it

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firmly enough and tightly enough to secure it and to make it

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safe, but if you squeeze it too tightly, you're going to harm

Karen Kenney: 00:08:40

it, right? You want it to be, yes, warm and held and secure,

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so it feels safe in your hands, but you don't want to suffocate

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it. So we want safety, but we do not want suffocation, right?

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Just like in relationships, you want to be supportive, but you

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don't want to be suffocating. So we need to baby bird ourselves

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sometimes, right? We need to learn how to hold on in such a

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way where it's like I talk about this sometimes when we're giving

Karen Kenney: 00:09:10

feedback to somebody, or we're setting a boundary with

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somebody, or we have to have a difficult conversation with

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somebody, and we're like, "Ah, this is going to be wicked

Karen Kenney: 00:09:18

awkward, and I don't know how I'm gonna do this, you know,

Karen Kenney: 00:09:21

it's like, how can I have this conversation, and I kind of

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think about it like this. It's like, we want to be loving but

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firm, so we want to be nurturing, we want to be

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nourishing, we want to be caring, but we also want to be

Karen Kenney: 00:09:36

firm, and we want to have good boundaries, and we want to be

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not like, what's the word I'm looking for, not swept up in our

Karen Kenney: 00:09:45

emotions. We want to be a little bit more rational, or maybe,

Karen Kenney: 00:09:49

maybe the better word is like pragmatic. Do you know what I'm

Karen Kenney: 00:09:52

saying? We want to be relational, but we don't want to

Karen Kenney: 00:09:55

be like, we don't want to come out of the gate wicked hot,

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right? Like, that's what I always say. Let's say, when

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we're trying to. Neck with people, we're trying to set a

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boundary, or to have a conversation, or to give you

Karen Kenney: 00:10:07

know feedback, loving but firm. And so there is a really great

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case for going gently, right? Don't hold too tight, hold on

Karen Kenney: 00:10:18

loosely, but don't let go, you know what I'm saying, and it

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made me also think, so now we have the band, and we have we

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have the bugs and the baby birds, and I don't know what

Karen Kenney: 00:10:29

I'll call this episode, maybe I'll call it baby birding

Karen Kenney: 00:10:31

ourselves, right, because I think so often when we're trying

Karen Kenney: 00:10:35

to heal something, and whether it's a physical ailment, right,

Karen Kenney: 00:10:39

like oh, I tweak my back or I hurt my knee or my foot, my

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ankle, whatever the thing is, right. We just want to feel

Karen Kenney: 00:10:46

better, and we want it to heal fast. We want it to heal quick.

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We want it to get it over with. It's like, what can I do? Should

Karen Kenney: 00:10:53

I ice it? Should I do this? Should I take it? You know,

Karen Kenney: 00:10:56

should I take some Advil? Should I do this? Should I? Should I

Karen Kenney: 00:10:58

stretch it? Like, we're like, I don't want to feel this way

Karen Kenney: 00:11:01

anymore, and I want results now, like fast. And we do that

Karen Kenney: 00:11:05

physically to our bodies, but we also do it to ourselves

Karen Kenney: 00:11:10

emotionally. So, let's say, because we cannot separate the

Karen Kenney: 00:11:14

mind and the body, they are always affecting one another,

Karen Kenney: 00:11:18

right?

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And when we look at things like chronic pain, or we look at

Karen Kenney: 00:11:21

things like long-term conditions, when we look at

Karen Kenney: 00:11:25

things like everything from like migraines to urinary, urinary

Karen Kenney: 00:11:30

afflictions, right, or conditions, IBS, irritable bowel

Karen Kenney: 00:11:34

syndrome, etc. anxiety, right, when we have these things that

Karen Kenney: 00:11:38

tend to stick around for a long time, that they're no longer

Karen Kenney: 00:11:41

just acute moments, that they become chronic. We get a little

Karen Kenney: 00:11:46

fed up, we get a little tired of feeling exhausted, or feeling

Karen Kenney: 00:11:52

uncomfortable in our own bodies, or feeling anxious, or feeling

Karen Kenney: 00:11:55

scared, or whatever, whatever the symptoms that come up in

Karen Kenney: 00:11:59

your body are, and we tend to try to force things, we tend to

Karen Kenney: 00:12:05

respond in a way where we're not very kind to ourselves. And how

Karen Kenney: 00:12:11

do I say this? The medical profession are not always

Karen Kenney: 00:12:15

trained also in being gentle with us and really knowing how

Karen Kenney: 00:12:20

to listen or having good bedside manna, right, and stuff like

Karen Kenney: 00:12:23

that. So, there's a fantastic book. Here's the book pot that

Karen Kenney: 00:12:27

I'm reading that I love. I've recommended it to several people

Karen Kenney: 00:12:31

already, and it's by Dr. Sula Wingasen, and it's called It's

Karen Kenney: 00:12:36

All in Your Body. I'm holding the book up right now. It's such

Karen Kenney: 00:12:39

a cool cover. So, it's called It's All in Your Body, and it

Karen Kenney: 00:12:43

says a practical road map to healing through the mind body

Karen Kenney: 00:12:47

connection, and the title is in response to she had some chronic

Karen Kenney: 00:12:53

stuff going on, and so many, and I can tell you this, as somebody

Karen Kenney: 00:12:59

who has IBS, how many times, or I should say, somebody who is

Karen Kenney: 00:13:03

healing from, and you know, navigating my IBS symptoms and

Karen Kenney: 00:13:06

stuff, are like 1000 times better than they used to be, but

Karen Kenney: 00:13:10

I still have flare-ups, and I still have incidents, you know.

Karen Kenney: 00:13:13

But right on the back of this book, she says the thing that so

Karen Kenney: 00:13:17

many of us have been told so many times, that it's all in our

Karen Kenney: 00:13:19

head, and this book is the premise of says it's not all in

Karen Kenney: 00:13:23

your head, and she talks about whether you suffer from burnout,

Karen Kenney: 00:13:26

long-term fatigue, IBS, chronic pain, and trauma, or mystery

Karen Kenney: 00:13:30

symptoms. Dr. Sulla uses the mind-body social model of

Karen Kenney: 00:13:35

psychotherapy to help you understand what's happening in

Karen Kenney: 00:13:38

your body and to take practical positive steps forward, so you

Karen Kenney: 00:13:43

guys, I recommend this book. It's really fascinating. It's

Karen Kenney: 00:13:46

really interesting, and you learn so much about how your

Karen Kenney: 00:13:49

body affects your mind and how your mind affects your body. And

Karen Kenney: 00:13:54

why I want to talk about this is like in this idea of like baby

Karen Kenney: 00:13:57

birding ourselves, or when you're picking up a bug that you

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want, or you know that you want to help, and let it heal, but we

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don't want to do harm to it. We have to kind of take the same

Karen Kenney: 00:14:07

approach to our own health and healing, right. And I made a

Karen Kenney: 00:14:11

note to myself here, it says we also need this approach towards

Karen Kenney: 00:14:14

ourselves for our health and our healing, and even also I'm going

Karen Kenney: 00:14:18

to add, as a writer, your creativity and your craft,

Karen Kenney: 00:14:21

because sometimes we hold on to an idea and we insist on playing

Karen Kenney: 00:14:26

it out, whether this is in your business too, you've seen it

Karen Kenney: 00:14:29

before, when something just isn't working and you're so

Karen Kenney: 00:14:33

attached to something being a particular way, so you keep

Karen Kenney: 00:14:36

trying to make it work, and you keep trying to do the marketing

Karen Kenney: 00:14:39

for a thing, and you keep, like, whether it's working with a

Karen Kenney: 00:14:42

human being, like a partner, whether it's implementing a

Karen Kenney: 00:14:45

marketing plan, or trying to do a program, or a project, or

Karen Kenney: 00:14:50

whatever. Sometimes, if we hold on too tight, there's no room

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for the thing to take its natural progression of growth or

Karen Kenney: 00:14:57

expansion, or, you know.

Karen Kenney: 00:15:00

In the case of bodies healing, and so I love this book for a

Karen Kenney: 00:15:04

lot of different reasons, and I want to share something that she

Karen Kenney: 00:15:07

says, because I know for myself, like right now I'm back in the

Karen Kenney: 00:15:10

gym, right, and my sweetie and I have been going to the gym, and

Karen Kenney: 00:15:14

sometimes you feel like you're starting at ground zero again,

Karen Kenney: 00:15:17

you're like, oh God, I'm feeling just a little mushy, I'm getting

Karen Kenney: 00:15:20

a little older, like, blah blah blah, and your self-talk might

Karen Kenney: 00:15:23

not always be, you know, so great, but for me, I understand

Karen Kenney: 00:15:28

that I have restarted, like, building muscle, you know, so

Karen Kenney: 00:15:32

many times in my life, because for a time, you know, I was

Karen Kenney: 00:15:35

really into lifting and stuff, and then I found yoga, and then

Karen Kenney: 00:15:39

I was really into yoga, and I had to like getting back in the

Karen Kenney: 00:15:43

gym, like rebuilding muscle for strength was like, because yoga

Karen Kenney: 00:15:47

strength is a little bit different, right, than having

Karen Kenney: 00:15:50

like, how do I say it, it's just a different kind of strength.

Karen Kenney: 00:15:55

So, when you're trying to like really build muscle and put on

Karen Kenney: 00:15:57

muscle, it's like a different approach, right? Of course, is

Karen Kenney: 00:15:59

hopefully you can imagine what I'm saying, and but you can be

Karen Kenney: 00:16:03

really discouraging, and you can be really hot on yourself if

Karen Kenney: 00:16:06

you're used to, quote unquote, looking a certain way, or

Karen Kenney: 00:16:09

feeling a certain way, or just not wanting to look or feel the

Karen Kenney: 00:16:13

way that you feel. Let's say you're somebody who has anxiety,

Karen Kenney: 00:16:17

and you're like, I just want to stop feeling like this, and you

Karen Kenney: 00:16:21

will go balls to the wall, trying everything you can to

Karen Kenney: 00:16:26

just eradicate this feeling inside of you. Right, that is

Karen Kenney: 00:16:30

not a.. that is not going gently. It's the same thing in

Karen Kenney: 00:16:33

the gym. You can go into the gym, and you can push, push,

Karen Kenney: 00:16:35

push, push, push too hard, too fast, too soon. You don't give

Karen Kenney: 00:16:39

your body and your muscles, enough time to recuperate, and

Karen Kenney: 00:16:43

you end up doing more harm than you are helpful in doing good.

Karen Kenney: 00:16:46

You know what I mean. So, in Dr. Sulu's book, she's something

Karen Kenney: 00:16:51

she's talking about, about this, and she says, so when you think

Karen Kenney: 00:16:56

about going back to that quote, right, hold on loosely, but

Karen Kenney: 00:16:59

don't let go. Part of that is about not trying to control

Karen Kenney: 00:17:02

everything, not trying to control the other person, not

Karen Kenney: 00:17:04

trying to control the relationship, and not trying to

Karen Kenney: 00:17:07

control the outcomes. And when it comes to our health, when it

Karen Kenney: 00:17:10

comes to our well-being, whether that's your physical health or

Karen Kenney: 00:17:12

your mental health, or whatever, we sometimes have a way,

Karen Kenney: 00:17:16

especially if we've been dealing with something for a really long

Karen Kenney: 00:17:20

time, and we just don't understand why the symptoms

Karen Kenney: 00:17:23

aren't changing, and again, whether that's anxiety or

Karen Kenney: 00:17:26

depression or tummy aches or having to run to the bathroom,

Karen Kenney: 00:17:31

you know, or what, the 1001 ways the body can go squirrely, you

Karen Kenney: 00:17:35

know what I mean, and so here's something that she wrote that I

Karen Kenney: 00:17:39

think it's really, really fantastic. She's like, she's

Karen Kenney: 00:17:43

talking about how sometimes you feel like frustrated because

Karen Kenney: 00:17:50

you're like things aren't changing as fast as you would

Karen Kenney: 00:17:52

like, and she says, you know, sometimes your sense of control

Karen Kenney: 00:17:56

may fluctuate every day. You have a distinct show. She says

this: 00:17:59

there's a distinct feeling of quote, I'm going to master

this: 00:18:02

this, so I'm going to redouble all my efforts, and then that

this: 00:18:06

turns into these extremes, right? And then you fall away

this: 00:18:09

into what's the point, nothing seems to work, and she says

this: 00:18:14

these kind of thoughts underpin the all or nothing patterns that

this: 00:18:18

we tend to fall into as humans, and we do see this right, so the

this: 00:18:24

quote, like, hold on loosely, but don't let go. It's this idea

this: 00:18:27

of moderation, it's this idea of approaching things gently, of

this: 00:18:31

not flip-flopping from those two extremes, like, oh, I went to

this: 00:18:34

the gym, like, for a month every day, and like, nothing happened.

this: 00:18:37

It's like, yeah, nothing happened, probably because your

this: 00:18:39

muscles didn't get a chance to recuperate. There were no rest

this: 00:18:41

days. You weren't eating that great, right? And you were

this: 00:18:44

exhausted, right? You just like broken down. You broke down a

this: 00:18:48

lot of muscle. You didn't build it because you weren't. You, you

this: 00:18:50

went two balls to the wall, right? You did not. You did not

this: 00:18:55

go gently towards yourself.

this: 00:18:58

And so she says, right here in this next piece, this next

this: 00:19:00

passage, she says, let's right now make an intention to find

this: 00:19:04

the middle ground. The middle ground is powerful, so instead

this: 00:19:08

of grasping for complete certainty and control, try to

this: 00:19:13

embrace what feels empowering now. So, rather than over

this: 00:19:18

committing to test the extent of your control, try taking things

this: 00:19:22

gradually with curiosity and an openness to learn, so that goes

this: 00:19:29

back to this idea of right needing a whole lot of space to

this: 00:19:33

breathe in, we need to have room to be curious, to try things, to

this: 00:19:38

make mistakes, to get back up, we want, don't want the feeling

this: 00:19:42

of suffocation on ourselves. We want supportive measures. We

this: 00:19:45

want to try things right. We want to find that middle ground.

this: 00:19:50

And she says, you know, that openness to learn and listen to

this: 00:19:54

this. She says the benefits of people's openness, or a

this: 00:19:58

patient's openness, the. Far outweigh the often temporary

this: 00:20:03

relief of fast tracking of trying to do everything all at

this: 00:20:06

once, right, and she says this openness, this openness, this is

this: 00:20:13

how you make your mind and body feel safe from that place of

this: 00:20:18

safety, everything you wish to achieve comes easier, so, so,

this: 00:20:23

some, so many times we think, well, if I just double down, if

this: 00:20:26

I just fast track, right? So we are not baby birding ourselves,

this: 00:20:30

we.. I don't know what the opposite of that would be. We

this: 00:20:32

would be like adult, I don't even know how to do it, opposite

this: 00:20:38

of that, but we put way too much pressure on ourselves, we're

this: 00:20:41

squeezing way too tightly, and it's when you squeeze too

this: 00:20:44

tightly, as the words of 38 special tells us, that's when

this: 00:20:47

you lose control. When you're trying to over control

this: 00:20:50

everything is when things shit goes out of control, things just

this: 00:20:53

go kooky monkeys. If you have ever been an over controlling

this: 00:20:56

person trying to control everything, you know how that

this: 00:20:59

shit ends. You know that it does not end well for us, right.

this: 00:21:03

Double a men hands. I'm like, I should be in the, the, you know,

this: 00:21:09

when people say they're recovering Catholics, I'm like,

this: 00:21:11

I'm a recovering over controller wanting to control everything.

this: 00:21:16

Okay. And then I love it. I love this line too. So this is from

this: 00:21:19

chapter four again of Dr. Sula Win Gaston's book, it's all in

this: 00:21:23

your body, just a little, just a little snippet. She says she's

this: 00:21:28

talking about her condition, she had a bladder condition, and

this: 00:21:30

she's talking about how, and I think you can apply this to

this: 00:21:33

anything, whether it's my marriage isn't going well, I'm

this: 00:21:36

having headaches, like whatever the situation is, right? Listen

this: 00:21:39

to this, she goes, although day by day I was highly functional,

this: 00:21:42

there were times I'd rage or despair breaking down in tears

this: 00:21:47

as I wonder why I wondered why things weren't changing when I

this: 00:21:51

was trying so hard. Oh my god, have you ever felt that way? I

this: 00:21:56

can tell you, as somebody who had her first IBS attack at 15,

this: 00:22:00

I tried everything under the sun. You have no idea, and I

this: 00:22:05

would try so hard, so hard, right, to control things and to

this: 00:22:09

fix things, and to do take this supplement and try that diet,

this: 00:22:13

and like, do all these different things to try and help myself.

this: 00:22:15

And you would get so frustrated when you'd be like, but I'm

this: 00:22:18

trying so hard, and it's not changing. And she says, "This

this: 00:22:22

listen. She says, "I wondered why things weren't changing when

this: 00:22:25

I was trying so hard. I was still fixated on the magic fix.

this: 00:22:30

The fact that all my endeavors were falling short of magically

this: 00:22:34

fixing things was causing immense stress and bodily

this: 00:22:39

reactivity. This is so important. I'm going to reread

this: 00:22:43

it, because I really want you to hear this. Listen, the fact that

this: 00:22:48

all my endeavors were falling short of magically fixing things

this: 00:22:52

was causing immense stress and bodily reactivity. She goes on

this: 00:22:58

to say it was a year or two later, having been immersed in

this: 00:23:00

my PhD in research role, learning about the

this: 00:23:05

transformative effects of pacing, that's that time thing

this: 00:23:10

of pacing and acceptance, that's that space thing, whilst

this: 00:23:15

continuing my mindfulness practices. She goes, it was

this: 00:23:19

through the transformative effects of pacing and acceptance

this: 00:23:22

that I mastered the balance of pacing my efforts to nourish my

this: 00:23:27

body while letting go of what I could not control.

this: 00:23:32

Right, so think about this: if you're somebody who wants to

this: 00:23:38

make a change, whether it's an identity change, a habitual

this: 00:23:41

change, a change in your body, a change with your anxiety, some

this: 00:23:44

sort of transformation thing, personal development, spiritual,

this: 00:23:47

physical, mental, whatever it is. Right, we have to understand

this: 00:23:52

that gradual change gets the job done, as Linda Ty says, right,

this: 00:23:58

the great teacher and storyteller and trauma

this: 00:24:02

therapist, right, Linda Tai says sip, sip, sip, sip, or all the

this: 00:24:07

episodes I've done on the Kaizen philosophy, one tiny small

this: 00:24:10

change, gradual change is enough, it gets the job done, we

this: 00:24:16

think it needs to come hot, it needs to come fast, we got to

this: 00:24:18

make it swift, we got to, I want it now, because we've suffered

this: 00:24:21

for a long time, whether it's in a relationship or with physical

this: 00:24:25

symptoms or with anxiety, or whatever the thing is, it's like

this: 00:24:28

we need room and time to grow, change, process, and heal. We

this: 00:24:34

cannot grip too tightly. We must baby bird ourselves. We must do

this: 00:24:40

a gentle approach, not everything. What I did, an

this: 00:24:44

episode a couple of, whatever, weeks ago, maybe a month ago,

this: 00:24:48

and I said, in the spiritual practice, in spiritual life,

this: 00:24:53

every amount of effort counts, even the smallest, tiniest

this: 00:24:57

efforts count, as long as we're trying. As long as we're trying

this: 00:25:01

to experiment and explore and be curious and stay open and not so

this: 00:25:06

fixated and not so tight and not so controlling, right, we go

this: 00:25:11

into over control, we go into criticisms, criticism, we go

this: 00:25:14

into urgency, we go into unkindness and harshness towards

this: 00:25:20

ourselves, especially, it's like, what's wrong with me? Why

this: 00:25:23

isn't this changing? Why can't I fix this? Why can't I figure

this: 00:25:26

this out? Why does.. and I try to tell clients that I've worked

this: 00:25:30

with in spiritual mentoring, look, it took you 3040, 5060,

this: 00:25:35

whatever years to get here, to get this way, to create these

this: 00:25:39

patterns, these habits, these conditions, this way of

this: 00:25:42

thinking, these beliefs, this identity. It does not change

this: 00:25:46

overnight. And I've always said that's why I don't make promises

this: 00:25:49

to people, right? In marketing, they're always like, what's the

this: 00:25:51

promise? How are they going to be different? What are they

this: 00:25:54

going to get from this? I'm like, look, I cannot determine

this: 00:25:57

the safe pace for this person, meaning like, I can't give you,

this: 00:26:02

I can't write a script and a prescription and say, oh, in

this: 00:26:05

three weeks you're gonna not be anxious anymore. This shit takes

this: 00:26:08

time. We learned a lot of things over the years, and it takes

this: 00:26:13

time to unlearn, but the good news is, is that we can unlearn,

this: 00:26:18

we can loosen our grip a little bit right, and here's another

this: 00:26:23

thing that's really, really interesting that I learned from

this: 00:26:26

Dr. Sula and from other people too, like Melissa Tiers and

this: 00:26:30

other teachers about neuroscience, but they actually

this: 00:26:33

have done what's called neuro imaging, and the research and

this: 00:26:36

neuro imaging, right, literally like looking at your brain and

this: 00:26:38

stuff like that, is that when you respond to yourself

this: 00:26:42

reassuringly, and reassuringly, that might sound like, oh, it's

this: 00:26:46

okay, you're gonna figure it out, like, yeah, that sucked,

this: 00:26:50

but we're gonna get there. Let's see what we can do when you

this: 00:26:54

respond to yourself reassuringly, not clenching, not

this: 00:26:58

gripping, not forcing, not being mean, right, not insisting that

this: 00:27:04

it's this way, the only way, right now. Magic fixes. I want

this: 00:27:06

the cure, right? When you respond to yourself

this: 00:27:09

reassuringly, she says this. It activates identifiable,

this: 00:27:14

identifiable neural pathways that are distinct from when we

this: 00:27:20

respond critically, so how many times? So the other day, like I

this: 00:27:25

did something, and I said to myself, you know, well, that was

this: 00:27:28

stupid, and I just stopped myself immediately, and I said,

this: 00:27:32

no, it wasn't stupid, you're just human, and you're allowed

this: 00:27:35

to make a mistake. I will tell you that that feels 1000 times

this: 00:27:40

better in my body and in my head and in my gut than me calling

this: 00:27:43

myself stupid, calling myself an idiot. So, the way that we talk

this: 00:27:48

to ourselves, it really does make a physiological difference,

this: 00:27:53

like your body, the way we think affects our body.

this: 00:27:56

Our body is also always sending messages up to our brain, so our

this: 00:28:00

brain and our bodies are so intertwined, and for so many

this: 00:28:03

years, so many people have been told it's all in your head, but

this: 00:28:07

it's not, it's also all in your body. Okay, so listen to this:

this: 00:28:12

self-critical responses activate threat processing circuitry in

this: 00:28:19

you. Think about that. Self-critical responses activate

this: 00:28:24

in your brain and in your body physiologically threat

this: 00:28:29

processing circuitry, but self-assurance activates

this: 00:28:34

soothing circuitry. So, when we practice compassion towards

this: 00:28:39

ourselves, you are literally helping the immune system.

this: 00:28:44

You're helping to, let's see, it says the more practice of

this: 00:28:49

compassion, the more protected the inflammatory response to

this: 00:28:53

stresses is. So, the more that we practice being gentle with

this: 00:28:56

ourselves, being kind to ourselves, baby birding

this: 00:28:59

ourselves, right, the power of being gentle with ourselves

this: 00:29:05

literally has a physical effect on our body. So this is just

this: 00:29:12

really big, right? I just want to talk about this because I

this: 00:29:16

know so many of us are so hot on ourselves and we demand so much

this: 00:29:20

of ourselves in our bodies, and when things aren't changing, and

this: 00:29:24

things are uncomfortable, and we're just so sick of feeling a

this: 00:29:28

particular way, or thinking a particular way, and we want

this: 00:29:30

change now, we forget, like we get kooky, we become like, you

this: 00:29:35

know, like cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, and we get a little like

this: 00:29:39

intense, and we start to insist that things change now, and this

this: 00:29:43

is just not how things change, so we want to hold on loosely.

this: 00:29:50

We don't want to lose a grip, right? Don't let go, but like we

this: 00:29:53

need to hold on a little bit loosely. There are times when we

this: 00:29:56

do need to totally let go, because we've become obsessed,

this: 00:29:59

and it becomes a little. Bit too much, you know what I'm saying.

this: 00:30:01

We're insisting, we're obsessing, we're forcing, and

this: 00:30:05

that's not it. We need to remember, we need room and time

this: 00:30:08

to grow, we need room and time to change, we need room and

this: 00:30:11

time, space and time to heal. And it goes back to that whole

this: 00:30:16

thing, right? Your baby needs someone to believe in, you need

this: 00:30:20

to believe in yourself. You need to believe in your body. You

this: 00:30:22

need to believe in your smarty pants brain, that there is a

this: 00:30:25

natural capacity for healing, and a lot of times we are the

this: 00:30:30

thing that is getting in the way. We don't do it on purpose,

this: 00:30:33

and it totally makes sense why we do these things, but

this: 00:30:37

hopefully you'll remember this line, right? Your baby needs

this: 00:30:40

someone to believe in, and a whole lot of space to breathe

this: 00:30:44

in. We need to give ourselves space to, you know, figure these

this: 00:30:49

things out, to practice these things, to stay curious, and to

this: 00:30:52

stay open. We need to baby bird ourselves. So, I hope this has

this: 00:30:59

been helpful in some way. Maybe it's a message that you needed

this: 00:31:02

to hear. I know it's a message I needed to be reminded of. Maybe

this: 00:31:06

it's something that will be helpful to a cousin or a friend

this: 00:31:09

or a sweetie or a co-worker, or whatever. If you just know

this: 00:31:12

somebody who's really hard on themselves or somebody who puts

this: 00:31:15

way too much pressure on themselves, and when we do that,

this: 00:31:18

here's the thing: when we have a tendency to like put a lot of

this: 00:31:22

pressure on things, we also tend to put a lot of pressure on

this: 00:31:26

ourselves, but also other people, and we can be really

this: 00:31:29

hard on other people, but we can also be like wicked, wicked,

this: 00:31:32

wicked hard on ourselves, and we don't want to do that, we want

this: 00:31:36

to be creating circuitry in our brain that sends like loving

this: 00:31:41

messages, healing messages to the body, and vice versa. Okay,

this: 00:31:45

so I hope this has been helpful. I hope it made sense. We brought

this: 00:31:48

together baby birds and bugs, we brought together our bodies, a

this: 00:31:51

book, and a band. We somehow did it, you guys. We did it. So I

this: 00:31:55

hope this was helpful to you. I appreciate you. Also, just in

this: 00:32:00

terms of other things that are going on, because I always like

this: 00:32:02

to let you guys keep you guys in the loop of the shenanigans that

this: 00:32:05

I'm up to. We just had another fantastic Wright Club on

this: 00:32:09

Saturday. It was so, so, so good.

this: 00:32:11

If you're somebody who lives local to New Hampshire, and you

this: 00:32:14

can live by care, like Massachusetts, Vermont, Maine,

this: 00:32:17

right, you can travel, travel to Concord, New Hampshire. For this

this: 00:32:20

summer, we're going to keep doing Write Club in person. It's

this: 00:32:23

generative. It's a half day generative writing workshop.

this: 00:32:26

It's a four hour workshop. It's so fantastic. It's at a

this: 00:32:28

beautiful space, the 11th Letter Writing Gallery. We have just

this: 00:32:32

been having such a fantastic time doing it, and I would love

this: 00:32:36

to have you join, join us, even if you're not.. what's the word

this: 00:32:40

I want to use? I don't want to say confident, but maybe you

this: 00:32:43

suspect that you're a writer, maybe you're somebody that jots

this: 00:32:46

down notes on napkins, or maybe you're somebody that journals,

this: 00:32:49

or you have a story to tell. You've always dreamed of writing

this: 00:32:52

a book, whatever it is, right? I hope you come check out Write

this: 00:32:55

Club at some point, and just know everything I'm talking

this: 00:32:57

about. You can always find it online on my website at Karen

this: 00:33:01

Kenney K E N N E y.com There's always the NES, which is my

this: 00:33:05

spiritual mentoring group and community. Those folks are

this: 00:33:08

fantastic. I love them so much. We meet online every every two

this: 00:33:14

weeks, so like twice a month we meet online, and a lot of what

this: 00:33:18

goes on in the NES is kind of like what happens on the

this: 00:33:20

podcast, is we talk to each other, I do some mentoring and

this: 00:33:23

coaching, I share stories, I share ideas, we follow, we go

this: 00:33:28

through a set of modules and lessons that are jumping off

this: 00:33:31

points, but it's just like, basically, it's like group

this: 00:33:34

coaching is what is really helping happening in a really

this: 00:33:37

beautiful community, of course, I always work one to one, and

this: 00:33:41

then locally I also do a yoga class. I do yoga classes and

this: 00:33:45

private yoga and Thai yoga massage, so I do all kinds of

this: 00:33:48

stuff, and I'm also writing my book. Speaking of books, I'm

this: 00:33:52

also writing my book, so all kinds of shenanigans. And if you

this: 00:33:54

want to know how to find out what's happening, just sign up.

this: 00:33:57

You're not going to get a bunch of crazy emails, right? You're

this: 00:33:59

going to get this podcast in your inbox on Thursday mornings,

this: 00:34:02

and then you'll also hear from me when I have an offer or

this: 00:34:05

something that I think might be helpful, and that's the thing

this: 00:34:08

with my emails - I don't write just to write, I send when I

this: 00:34:11

have something that I think is like my offerings, anything that

this: 00:34:15

I create are like little love letters from my hat to yours, so

this: 00:34:19

people might call them marketing emails or sales emails,

this: 00:34:23

whatever. I don't think of them that way. I'm literally saying,

this: 00:34:25

hey, I created this cool thing because I needed it, or at least

this: 00:34:29

at one point, or now I know it's helpful and beneficial. I've

this: 00:34:32

seen it have really great results, and I'm offering it.

this: 00:34:35

I'm literally just offering it to people and inviting people to

this: 00:34:38

come join me. So, I'm not super salesy, I'm just like, here's

this: 00:34:42

what we're doing, come join us. I think it's fun. I hope you

this: 00:34:44

come. Right, that's kind of how it is. So you can just go to

this: 00:34:47

Karen kenney.com backslash sign up, and that's it. And come see

this: 00:34:52

us, come hang out with us, come spend some time together in

this: 00:34:54

person. It would be wicked fun. All right, you guys, one more

this: 00:34:57

time. Here's the book, Dr. Sula Wingasen. It's all in your body,

this: 00:35:01

it's so fantastic. Like I said, I've been referring it to

this: 00:35:04

people. I'm going to do a post about it on social media soon,

this: 00:35:07

too. But I have found it - I'm finding it wicked helpful. Just

this: 00:35:11

re what's reaffirming some things that I've learned before,

this: 00:35:16

reminding me of some things, and also teaching me some new ways

this: 00:35:18

of looking at things, and I always love getting a new point

this: 00:35:21

of view. Okay, that's it. Wherever you go in the world,

this: 00:35:25

whether it's the rest of your day, your week, whatever, right?

this: 00:35:28

Wherever you go, may you leave the animals and the other people

this: 00:35:32

and yourself and the planet, the trees, the rocks, the rivers,

this: 00:35:37

the environment better than how you first found it. Wherever you

this: 00:35:41

go, may you and your presence and your energy and your love

this: 00:35:45

and your baby birding, your gentleness, may it be a

this: 00:35:49

blessing. Bye.

this: 00:35:52

Hey, thanks so much for listening to the show. I really

this: 00:35:55

love spending some time together. Now, if you dig the

this: 00:35:58

show or know someone that could benefit from this episode,

this: 00:36:01

please share it with them and help me to spread the good word

this: 00:36:05

and the love, and if you want to be in the know about all of my

this: 00:36:08

upcoming shenanigans, head on over to Karen kenney.com/sign up

this: 00:36:14

and join my list. It'll be wicked fun to stay in touch.

this: 00:36:19

Bye.