Being Two-Faced

Karen Kenney: 00:00:01

Hey you guys. Welcome to the Karen Kenny show. I'm wicked excited to be here. I'm actually extra excited because yesterday yesterday was my birthday. I turned double nickels. You guys, I'm officially 55. Man, if you know me at all ask anybody who really knows me. They know how much I love. I love birthdays in general. Okay, I love birthdays in general. But I fucking love my birthday. And I was making the argument to my sweetie, last night around midnight, I was like, I mean, sweetie, technically, I was born at like 9:44pm. So my birthday kind of efficiently can roll tomorrow. So I'm kind of like, doing a little bit, I've got to riding the coattails of my birthday into another day. There was a fantastic day, I heard from so many people. So I just wanted to say thank you so much to anybody and everybody. If you're one of my listeners, and you sent me a little message, just thank you so much from from the bottom of my heart, it means so much to me. And okay, so I have no idea like I'm a few episodes ahead, you guys, which almost never ever happens. But my my my Podcast Producer Amarone was on vacation, so I had to get ahead a few episodes, so I have no real grasp on time and space right. Now, I don't know when this second is gonna ask. So I don't even know like, should I tell you about some program I'm doing I'm like, I don't know, I don't know when this is airing Holy Jesus. Okay, but here's what we're gonna call this one, I think I think I'm gonna call this episode being two faced being two faced. And I'm going to tell a little story, I'm gonna give a little credit and attribution to somebody. And hopefully, something that I share is going to help us all be just a little bit kinder, but also not full of shit. Like, we'll talk about that. So let me start by saying this. So, so often people will say to me, you know, how did you How many of you come like so as a spiritual mentor, part of just saying, part of a slice of the work that I do, is helping people to kind of get more in touch with themselves in source and spirit. So perhaps call it curating, creating, cultivating a deeper connection to the divine, whether they call that God or something else, but it's about creating a personal experience of the Divine, whatever that means to you. Meaning it's not about an organized religion. It's not about you know, worshipping in a particular way, or having this faith backup. I'm just like, if you want to feel connected to something greater than you, whatever you happen to call it, the goddess quote, unquote, God of your own understanding, like, I love to do that. So, personally, when people say to me, how have you come to this place where you, you know, have faith or how and I always say, I don't have blind faith, though. This is the thing with me, right? I don't have blind faith in the Divine. I just have too much puking evidence at this point. I just have too much evidence. Okay. So one of the things that always happens in my life, I call it s t o t j spiritual team on the job is that there's a thing that always happens where let's just say I have a question, or I wonder something out loud, like Oh, I wonder who first developed bla bla bla, right? Or I just like, kind of propose a question or you know, show some curiosity. I'm telling you guys it's almost like placing an order. And I don't mean this in some weird like, manifestation way it is literally just like, whatever is going on between me and the universe, me and the divine me and the spiritual team help is the divine help is whatever is that I can just say something. And then like, and usually it has to do with them when I'm seeking an answer to something and then it arrives. This happens all the time. You could ask my sweetie, you could ask my closest friends, you can ask my clients. It is just really remarkable. And I'm gonna trust me stay with me. And maybe you have experienced this in your life. Some people call it synchronicity. Some people call it coincidence. Some people call it manifest date. Everybody's got their own friggin thing, right? So for me, I often just go I raised my hand if you're not watching this, right I raised my hand and I go Oh, s t o t j spiritual team on the job. So my virtual team answered a question that I had. And it had to do around this. Around being too face and I'll explain more. I'll explain more in a moment. Okay, but I wanted to just kind of put that in place, I have too much evidence. And my questions almost always get answered and usually within a really remarkable or reasonable time. Okay. So lately lately, I'm in a season of what I kind of call in wet weather. It's because I'm getting older. Like I said, I'm 55, I'm more aware more than ever, how much time I do. I mean, we never know when the last exhale is coming, I could I could drop dead outside, you know, like, tomorrow, who knows. But, you know, I have this awareness of my own mortality, and not in a morbid way, it actually makes me appreciate my life so much more. And so I just don't really have a lot of time for things that drain me or people that exasperate me or Shit, I don't want to do like I really am in a season of my life where it's like, I only want to do the stuff that like really lights me up, I want to do what I love with people, I love creating things that I love, expressing it, sharing it, right, making connections, and collaborating with other other people that really, I think, feel good. And I feel like they're doing good in the world and their hearts are in the right place. You know what I mean? So I just don't want to waste anybody's time, especially my own. So often I go through these seasons, where I'm like, Yep, I just unsubscribe from like, pretty much every every newsletter, that when it comes into my inbox does not inspire curiosity, creativity, compassion, or connection, right? If you're just talking your awareness, and I'm like, Yeah, you know, that might have been helpful to me five years ago, and I'm a pretty loyal person. But at the same time, I'm like, I'm not hanging out for your bullshit, because now I can see that it's a racket, or that doesn't resonate for me anymore. It doesn't mean necessarily that that person is not adding value to other people's lives. It's just not my time in place anymore. You feeling what I'm saying? You know, how, like, you go through seasons, where you're like, Oh, I really used to be into this. But now it just doesn't really fit into my life anymore, or doesn't make sense anymore, or it doesn't resonate with me or land for me, or I just don't want to do that person, place program. You know, habit, whatever the fuck, right? Like, it's just not my thing anymore. So I'm in one of those seasons right now, where I'm kind of just like unsubscribing I'm kind of unliking things, unfollowing things, unfriending things and people and whatever. Because I'm like, if I see your face on my, let's just use this for an example. I'm on Facebook, and you somehow come up in my feed is one of my quote unquote, friends. If I don't recognize you, by your face, if I don't recognize you by your name, if I go to your page, and I'm like, I have no idea who this person is. Or if I go to your page and I see some crazy shit. Right? If I see some homophobic stuff, some racist stuff, some misogynist stuff, some like, like, too many, like really big, insane American flag kind of action like America like going on. I'm probably not gonna stick around and hang out. You know what I'm saying? Now, don't come from me. Don't come from me. Right. I think there's lots of ways to love your country. But I think a lot of people these days, use the flag in a way that stands for something that I don't always think is cool. That's, that's all I'm gonna say about that for now. So, you know, if we're not copacetic and resonating, it doesn't mean we have to agree on everything but if I sniff if I even get a fucking sniff, sniff of hatred going on, and I'm like, I'm out of here. I don't want I don't have time. I don't have time for this kind of behavior and thinking this really low level backwards thinking. All right, don't go don't don't get me. Attention, people and we're back. So here's my point. Right? Sometimes people in their content, it can be their vibe, their energy, their message, like how they talk about things what they're talking about, it's just not that soothing for somebody's nervous system, right it just again, it just not might not be congruent or in alignment. Please double Amen hands if you know what I'm talking about. If like there are a lot of people this I find this fascinating, the whole social media thing. Again, don't lose sight. I'm going to talk about the Bing to face thing I'm setting it up I'm setting it up so stay with me.

Karen Kenney: 00:09:49

I've learned so fascinating on social media, how many people kind of like hate follow where they can't stand you or your message but they watch it because they somehow get off on just like hating you like staring at your videos or watching your content or listening to you. So they can just roll their eyes and spew their hate and then sometimes take that next step and leave really like ridiculous comments, right? I'm like, Why? Why waste your precious life energy trolling people and aiding people like, Oh my God. Now look, there are times when you got to speak up. There are times when you gotta say like, Hey, this is wrong or this is uncool. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about trolling just to troll, because you have a sad little life, and you hate yourself. So you take it out on everybody else. Okay, but here's the thing. Just because you decide to unfollow somebody or unfriend somebody or unsubscribe, or whatever, right? It's no longer a good fit, right? A lot of people don't like to do that. So there's all these strategies that people will use. Okay, stay with me. There's all these strategies that people will use, which is like, well, I'll mute their stories, right? So like, Instagram is like allows you to mute people. Of course, you can always block people. That's like when you're just like, done like this person is abusive. This person is nobody I want in my world don't want to see them their content, blah, blah, blah, whatever. So you have everything from muting their stories, muting their posts unfollowing to straight up blocking, right. And on Facebook, you can unlike unfollow, and then unfriend, right you have like all these different options. Now a lot of people will say to me, like, I don't want to be friends with this person anymore. Because remember, in the work that I do, people will often share with me and because of the work that I do, not just clients, but sometimes even random strangers, they just, they just know they have a sense that maybe I'm somebody who can keep a secret, or they can tell difficult things to or they can be honest or vulnerable, or whatever the word is with, right. So people will often tell me a lot of things that they often keep close in the chambers of their hearts, you know. And one of the big things that often comes up, especially in the entrepreneurial world, and here's where I'm finally coming, I'm making my point about this, this to face thing being to face, they'll often say to me, I don't want to be friends with this person online anymore. And through conversation and asking questions and listening, what you start to glean? What you start to become really aware of is that you were never friends in the first place. One of the things that social media has really done is created these really strange dynamics of creating quote, unquote, quote, unquote, I'm literally doing air quotes right now for friends, with people who you're not actually friends with. You might be passing acquaintances, you might have met at a conference, you might have a cousin in common, whatever, but you're not actually friends. I mean, that poor word has gotten watered down beyond belief, okay? So often say to people, just because you don't want to be friends with them on Facebook anymore, doesn't mean it has to get ugly or weird, right? You were never really quote unquote, friends to begin with, maybe you are friendly, maybe you are friendly in passing, maybe you met like I said, once, three years ago. And there's a cool feature actually on Facebook, where you can go to somebody's page, and then you click the little three dots. And in the drop down menu, it can basically see it says like, see friendship, and you can see the last time you've actually interacted with each other. So you can really inform yourself and get a sense of is this a connection that's worth? Like maintaining? Is this somebody I even know or care to know or want to be in connection with? Right? Okay. Here's the point, though, when people often confess to me, I want to unsubscribe from this email, I want to unfollow this person, I don't actually even want to be friends with this person who I used to be friends with in real life. And it gets weird because you're in the same social circle, or because you both run with the same crowd, or because you're both entrepreneurs. And you might see each other at an event or at a speech or at a retreat, like whatever the thing is, right? It's like, Oh, my God, he has a big fear. You know, what if I bump into them in public? What if they all of a sudden text me VOCs me like whatever and say, like, what, like, there's so much fear around that. And this is all kinds of people. I'm not talking about any one person in particular, this is all kinds of people this has come up again and again and again. I don't really want to be friends with this person anymore. But what if I bump into them? What if I see them? What if we're in a group program together or whatever? And somebody was recently talking to me about this. And I said to them, I said to them, there's this really great quote, and I said, I can't remember who first said it. And I really wish that I could because I would like to give credit to this person. I go, but I just remember it. And this is how Oh, I remembered it. Okay. And then I will. I'm going to go back to the beginning. I'm going to point back to the beginning of the conversation when I was talking about how my spiritual team on the job gets me my answers. This is what's so fun. So what I said to this person is I said, Look, you might unfriend somebody you might decide you don't want to be friends with the person in real life. You might decide to quote unquote, unfollow, unfriend whatever online unsubscribe. And you might feel a little bit bad about it, because you know, you're a nice person, whatever. And it's like, well, what if I bump into them online? I said, Well, there's a difference between this like, here's, here's, here's my art, let me say the quote, let me say what how I remember the quote, and then I'll tell the rest of the story. And I said to them, this, I said, Look, being kind to people you don't like, isn't being two faced. It's called being a mature adult. Let me say that again. Because this is how I, I remembered it and put it in my own words, right? Being kind to people you don't like, okay, isn't being to face, it's called being a mature adult. Because one of their concerns is, and what I often hear from people is, well, if I don't really like them, and then I see them, and I'm kind of forced into this situation where I might have to bump into them or interact with them. I don't want to be to face and I'm like, It's not to face if you just are pleasant to them, if you are polite to them, if you are kind to them. If you make a little niceties Good to see I hope you're well how the kids right? Um, like, you're, you're not being too faced or betraying yourself. Here's the caveat though, here's the thing. I'm not talking about being quote unquote, kind of nice and all these things to people, if they have truly done you harm, if they have really, really, like, fucked it up or did something brutal or, like, unfair, you know what I'm saying, like, if somebody has really done something to you, and in that case, you can just ignore them. You could not and I'm not saying be dec, although that could be an option, if it's appropriate, right. But I'm just saying, I'm just talking about in general, we can still be in rooms with other people that we don't like, we can share spaces sometimes, right with people that they're not quite our cup of tea. But here's the thing, as I was telling this person, this whole thing, look, you're not going to be to face you just be kind, you be professional, you be polite. And then you go about your business. And hopefully you don't have to see them again, right. And I'm like, Oh my God, I wish I could remember, this was a couple of days ago. I wish I could remember who first said that quote. And I shit you not you guys today, it literally came up in my Facebook memories I had posted about it 10 years ago, back in 2013. So this is the original quote. And I'm going to tell you who said it. So there's a really, really cool guy named timber Hawkeye. He's written a couple of books you some people might know him online is Buddhist boot camp. So timber Hawkeye, this is what he said and how he said it. He said being nice to those you don't particularly like, is not being two faced. It's called growing up. I'll say it again, being nice to those you don't particularly like is not being to face, it's called growing up. So we say it seems these different, right, we say it a very similar way I say it's called being a mature adult, right? Because sometimes we are gonna have to work with people we don't particularly like, we don't particularly gel, we don't really resonate, okay. And it can be uncomfortable if you make a choice to sever or to end or to, as I say slowly moonwalk out of the room of that relationship, or that collaboration or that partnership, or whatever it was, right? Even if it's just an unfollow and unsubscribe, like whatever, maybe you stop responding to their boxes or their texts, because it's not a relationship or a friendship where you can do it in a way where you would be heard, where they would be able to hear you or they would understand your point of view, you know, and sometimes you're just not really interested in fixing the friendship or maintaining the relationship or keeping that connection alive for whatever reason, you know, just not may not may not good, may not feel good to you anymore.

Karen Kenney: 00:19:21

You don't like them. You've seen too much as I always say, Oh, I've been Wizard of Oz, I've seen behind the curtain I've seen too much and I just don't want to be a part of it anymore. You know what I mean? I don't want to be in connection in relation to this person. So let me give you a living example. So recently, I was at an event and once in a while you'll be at an event or in a room or a situation or whatever it is where you're bumping into people across many years and times of your life, right let's call it like a high school reunion. or somebody's doing like a high school reunion a fam reunion, a fundraising benefit a special whatever, when, like all I'm just making shit up, right like all the therapists get together all the entrepreneurs do something together, but you might be in a room with people that you've grown up with that you've come up with that you haven't seen in 1520 years. Some people you haven't seen him for, like, whatever. So recently, I was in a situation like that, where there were all these people from different times in my life. And some of them I was so friendly with some of them I hadn't seen in a really long time. Some of them I was so happy to see. And some of them if I never saw them, again, would not would not in any shape, way or form, have an effect on my life. But you know, you're gonna make eye contact with people, you're gonna see people, and you have to make a decision. What kind of a person do I want to be? Okay, to me being to face is something that people do that looks like this and women. And I always say this and white women, especially because that's the group I can talk about with with, with a lot of experience. Right? That's the situation when as soon as somebody leaves the table, and you might see this active actively in your own family, too, right? As soon as somebody leaves the table or leaves the room or whatever, everybody starts to get the kick and get into got kibitz and about them backstab and talking shit about them rolling their eyes to be like making fun of them, like you know what I'm talking about. And then they come back to the table or back into the room, then you're like, oh, that's fucking two faced, right? But you making a conscious decision that this no longer works. And then you bump into them. And you're kind to them or I say kind. Timber Hawkeye says being nice. Whichever one, right? I have a whole thing around being nice. I said, I'm not in my being nice season anymore. I'm in my being kind season. But you know, that's not to me being to face that's called being professional. It's not about you. Right? Whatever the event that is at it's not about you and your little snafu, right? It's like, okay, can I just give a nod? Can I just say Hello, can I just like, smile pleasantly, and move on with my life? Or just say, Hey, good to see you. I hope you Well, whatever. Leave it at that. That's not being to face like I said, if somebody has done something really awful to you, or a family member or something like that, that you get to decide how you want to play it at that point. But I'm just talking about when there hasn't been some huge thing. It's just been like, Yeah, I'm all set with this whole relationship, or this whole business or this whole product or whatever. They're Hawking or selling. Like I've seen too much. Not hit to it don't want to be a part of it. Like all set with it. You know what I'm saying? So, I'm at this event, and there's some people that I'm like, open arms, yay. Oh, my God, Big hug How you doing? So great to see a sit down chat, catch me up what's happening? There's other people that I see that are coming towards me. And I'm like, Oh, my God. Oh my god, right? And then you just give him a big hug. And you're like, Okay, good to see you. Yep, bah, bah, bah. Right? You just be kind be nice. And then there's other people you see, and you're like, Yep, I'm just not gonna engage just not worth my time. They haven't, I can clearly see and hear that they have not changed. And I really want nothing to do with it. You know what I mean? So there's a way where you don't have to be in dramatics about it, you don't have to get all weird about it. You just kind of work the room in a way where it's like, yeah, we don't have to, we don't have to engage. And we don't have to make it weird. You know what I'm saying? So look, you obviously get to decide for yourself what being to face means. But for me, like I said, again, to me being to face is when you're like, literally talking shit behind somebody's back. And then you're all like Lovey Dovey, right? You're all just like, Oh, my God, and then you pretend to actually, like, have a friendship or relationship with him or whatever. Right? That and again, everybody has different definitions of what to face mean, I didn't even bother to look, a lot of times I'll offer like, this is the definition, Webster's Dictionary, whatever. But here's the other point I want to make. If you know anything at all about Pat's work, or internal family systems, right, then you know that we all have multiple paths within us multiple paths of our personality within us. So we all are in our own way kind of to face you know what I'm saying? So if you've ever said this, one part of me really wants to go to the fill in the blank that the event the party, you know, the show, and another part of me kind of doesn't, what does that say? Well, there's two parts of me. Sometimes those parts might be in conflict. So we can all say sometimes you might be wearing a different face with this group of people than you will with other groups of people. So I love this whole concept of being too face. I think we're multi faced. I think we're multifaceted and multi faced, you know But I'm talking about when you're talking about one particular person in general. And it's like, Look, if you don't, how do I say this? If you no longer hold, genuine like, so when I'm looking for goodwill towards a person, if you don't genuinely like them or care about them or want them to be well, even if you're no longer friends, if you find yourself still having a relationship with somebody that you have slowly started to build contempt for, or a disgust towards or repulsion towards, or you just like, you cringe, you don't like them, you don't respect them. You don't? Why are you still friends with them? Like, that's a really good question to ask yourself, Why am I still supporting their business? promoting them playing in the same you know, rooms? Is them? Why am I still around this person, allowing this person to come into my inbox or to affect me, etc, etc, etc. And if you find that you can clearly tell that somebody doesn't respect you, steals your ideas, steals your, like, tries to come in and like be the big person on campus, like swinging their dick around like, they're the, like pissing on your front lawn, like, oh, yeah, this is my community now, like, what when you see people acting in a way where you're like, oh, they clearly do not have my best interests at heart. They may not be quote, unquote, meaning to hurt me. But as my, as my, as my friend Marianne Williamson once said, but you didn't mean to love me either. So if they're not meaning to love you, and you can tell that they don't respect you, or value you, or listen to you. And that they are, you know, for lack of what do I want to say, I don't stepping all over you in a way, you know what I mean? It's time, it's time to end that thing. And if you happen to be in the same community, or professional, whatever, and you might bump into them at Toastmasters, or you might see them at the speaking, then you just not being too face, you just be the mature adult, you just grow up, and you are pleasant, you are kind, you're professional, and you keep it at that. So you don't have to worry about like I'm being bad, I'm being too fazed. Nope, what you're doing is called being a kind human being. We don't have to like everybody, but we can treat each other with kindness. And with, I guess we could say respect, but you might not respect that person anymore. But we can still be kind to each other, you know what I'm saying. So I hope this has been helpful, and put something in a new perspective for you. Because I know, I know that so many people, you know, struggle with this, especially in communities, where everybody's quote, unquote, pretending I'm gonna do a whole thing on spiritual posturing and spiritual performing and spiritual pretending. I think that might be my next podcast episode. But I kind of play in both these realms of the spiritual realm, right? The spiritual world, and kind of like the entrepreneurial world in the coaching world, right in the creative world. So it's like, I kind of see, like, a lot of the bullshit and posturing and stuff that like goes on. And a lot of times, it's like, oh, that doesn't feel spiritual to do that. It's like not being spiritual doesn't mean that you're like making yourself a doormat and stuff like that. So I hope this was helpful to you, I hope you're seeing something from, from a new a new perspective.

Karen Kenney: 00:28:46

And yet, mostly, that it's just helpful in some way and helps to give you some clarity, especially if this is something that you've been bumping up against, right? You know, and what I was saying is, a lot of times there are certain groups of people and whether it's yoga teachers, whether it's spiritual teachers, whatever, it's whatever. And you would like to think like, Oh, we're actually a community, and then you realize, like, oh, a lot of these people just kind of like, compete with each other and trash talk each other. And they're not actually very nice, behind the scenes, right? So it can get a little weird out. That's all I'm saying. People can get human relationships, it can get a little weird out there. And sometimes you just have to make the decision to end the thing, to walk away from a thing to move away from a thing. And you just gotta you gotta take care of yourself and do your best to be kind. And if you happen to bump into them, right, you can give a little nod, you can give a little Hey, how you doing and keep it clean, keep it clean, right? You don't have to get sticky. You don't have to get their stuff on you and you don't have to over explain you don't have to do anything. Right. Just it's not being to face to have a nice, healthy boundary. So I think I'll leave it at that. So you guys, I don't know. I don't know when this is going to air. I will say this by the time Um, it is we will be in the thick of it like probably two months deep into my group coaching program the alchemy. And what I will say is it has been fantastic so far I love the people who are in the group. And we're really doing some great work. And it will be starting up again in January for a new cohort of people. So if the alchemist, it's spiritual mentoring, there's life coaching in it, there's some surprises and delights. You're learning, neuroplasticity, and different tools to interrupt patterns of anxiety, to stop telling old stories that no longer serve you using so many different cool, cool tools, both that are evidence based science based neuroplasticity, and also hypnosis and also spiritual mentoring, it's a pretty cool thing. And you can just check it out. My website is always Karen kenny.com, where you can find everything I'm up to currently. But also, if you're specifically interested in the alchemy, just Karen kenny.com/alchemy. And give it give it a look. See, give it a look. See, see how it feels to you. And if you have questions, just reach out. So you guys, thank you so much for tuning in. I superduper. Appreciate you. I hope this was helpful again, in some way. And if you are a regular listener, I just thank you so much for staying along on the journey with me, it means so much to me. I love having you here. If you're new to the show. Thank you for being curious enough and following up and clicking the link or whoever sent it to you. I love that you're here. I love that you're here and I hope you stick around. All right, you guys, wherever you go in the world. May you leave yourself and the people and the pets and the animals and the places and the environment whoever you whoever and whatever you come in contact with. May it be better off for you having been there. Wherever you go. May you be a blessing. Bye