TALKING TO YOUNGER YOU

Karen Kenney: 00:00:00

It's the Karen Kenney show. Hey, you guys!

Karen Kenney: 00:00:04

Welcome to the Karen Kenney Show. I'm super duper excited to

Karen Kenney: 00:00:06

be here with you today, and we're just gonna dive right into

Karen Kenney: 00:00:10

this sucker, and we're gonna start off with a little a little

Karen Kenney: 00:00:13

story. So, oh my God, you guys, I'm such a weird sleeper, right?

Karen Kenney: 00:00:19

Like, I I don't know about you, right? But hello, hello,

Karen Kenney: 00:00:23

menopause. But I wake up. I wake up often a couple of times a

Karen Kenney: 00:00:27

night or whatever. At least at the bare minimum, I'm usually

Karen Kenney: 00:00:29

awake twice a night. Sometimes it's because I have to pee, but

Karen Kenney: 00:00:33

other times it's because I've been awoken by a sound or a hot

Karen Kenney: 00:00:38

flash or like whatever the thing is, right? So the other night, I

Karen Kenney: 00:00:44

wanted to share this with you because, in my hopes that you

Karen Kenney: 00:00:46

are going to somehow find this helpful. I mean, that's the

Karen Kenney: 00:00:48

whole point of this whole podcast. I don't just sit. I

Karen Kenney: 00:00:52

mean, maybe I do, but I don't just sit up in my office here by

Karen Kenney: 00:00:56

myself like a little weirdo talking to myself, I'm actually

Karen Kenney: 00:01:02

talking to you, but like I'm alone right now while I'm doing

Karen Kenney: 00:01:06

it for my own benefit, right? I do it because I really I use

Karen Kenney: 00:01:10

this podcast to spread a little bit more love in the world. I

Karen Kenney: 00:01:12

use this podcast as a little bit of like spiritual mentoring and

Karen Kenney: 00:01:16

a little bit of coaching and a little bit encouragement, a

Karen Kenney: 00:01:19

little bit of of of being able to move through the world,

Karen Kenney: 00:01:23

right? Doing this whole being human experience that hopefully

Karen Kenney: 00:01:27

maybe we can do it with a little more awareness and kindness and

Karen Kenney: 00:01:31

care, and mercy and grace. You know, like that we can just like

Karen Kenney: 00:01:35

just know that we're not alone, right? So this podcast, I have

Karen Kenney: 00:01:38

many many things. I always say I either want to educate or

Karen Kenney: 00:01:42

enlighten or entertain or elevate people, right? I always

Karen Kenney: 00:01:46

always want to do that. So hopefully, something I'm sharing

Karen Kenney: 00:01:48

today will either be helpful or beneficial, or you can apply

Karen Kenney: 00:01:52

this shit to your own life. Okay, and we're back story time.

Karen Kenney: 00:01:56

So you know, I was saying I kind of wake up in the middle of the

Karen Kenney: 00:02:00

night, and sometimes I wake up in double amen hands. If you can

Karen Kenney: 00:02:04

ever relate to this, for some of you it will be when you wake up

Karen Kenney: 00:02:07

in the morning. For some of you it will be as you're going to

Karen Kenney: 00:02:10

bed. But for me, a lot of times I wake up in the middle of the

Karen Kenney: 00:02:13

night, and it doesn't take my brain a long time to like come

Karen Kenney: 00:02:17

online, right? Like you know how some people in the morning, they

Karen Kenney: 00:02:21

wake up in the morning and they're like, "Don't talk to me

Karen Kenney: 00:02:23

until I've had my coffee, or they're really groggy or

Karen Kenney: 00:02:25

whatever. So I kind of wake up, my brain goes like, "Blink! It

Karen Kenney: 00:02:29

goes online. It starts to to think very quickly, and this is

Karen Kenney: 00:02:33

what one of the reasons why I keep my I keep a little notebook

Karen Kenney: 00:02:38

and pen right next to my bed because I sometimes get these

Karen Kenney: 00:02:41

flashes of insights. I really do believe the little librarians,

Karen Kenney: 00:02:45

as I call them, up in my head and the little library in my

Karen Kenney: 00:02:48

head, that subconscious place where all the the philofaxes

Karen Kenney: 00:02:52

are, the little cod catalog is right. The Dewey Decimal system

Karen Kenney: 00:02:55

is going on up there all the time. So those little suckers

Karen Kenney: 00:02:59

sometimes have stuff to say at three in the morning, four in

Karen Kenney: 00:03:02

the morning. So I keep a little notebook by my bed to jot things

Karen Kenney: 00:03:06

down because it's very active. So sometimes I wake up in the

Karen Kenney: 00:03:09

middle of the night and there's a thought or a feeling that is

Karen Kenney: 00:03:11

immediately there on the surface. And sometimes it's

Karen Kenney: 00:03:14

because I've been having a weird dream. Like I don't know about

Karen Kenney: 00:03:16

you, but I have incredibly vivid dreams, and they're usually not

Karen Kenney: 00:03:21

super soothing. It's not like I have dreams, like oh, I'm

Karen Kenney: 00:03:24

flying, or oh, I got a new puppy. You know, I feel like my

Karen Kenney: 00:03:30

my brain is working out. It's doing like memory

Karen Kenney: 00:03:34

reconsolidation. It's taking the little dramas of the day, my

Karen Kenney: 00:03:38

feelings, my emotions, all those things, and it's doing stuff

Karen Kenney: 00:03:40

with them, right? It's like it's like doing a little management

Karen Kenney: 00:03:44

system.

Karen Kenney: 00:03:44

All the little librarians are putting the books back on the

Karen Kenney: 00:03:47

shelves and pulling others off and stuff. So, but the other

Karen Kenney: 00:03:50

night in bed, finally here we are telling the story. The other

Karen Kenney: 00:03:52

night in bed, I woke up, and the way that I sleep is I was like

Karen Kenney: 00:03:57

sleeping on my side, and it hurts my shoulder. I used to be

Karen Kenney: 00:04:01

able to sleep with my arm straight, but now I have to like

Karen Kenney: 00:04:04

bend my elbow. And if you're not watching the show, right? If

Karen Kenney: 00:04:08

you're listening to the show, I will describe what what what I'm

Karen Kenney: 00:04:10

doing right now. So I was like, imagine I'm sleeping on my side.

Karen Kenney: 00:04:14

My lower arm is like usually sticking out straight, but

Karen Kenney: 00:04:18

instead I had the elbow bent, so my own hand, right? My forearm

Karen Kenney: 00:04:23

was coming across my chest, and my hand was ending up like on my

Karen Kenney: 00:04:27

shoulder, and my fingers were like on my back, right? So just

Karen Kenney: 00:04:31

imagine, it's like almost like a self hug, like a half of a self

Karen Kenney: 00:04:34

hug, right? So I was laying like that. So I woke up. I had my arm

Karen Kenney: 00:04:38

like that, and I must have felt like I wasn't very cognizant of

Karen Kenney: 00:04:42

this, but I must have felt like a little anxiety rise up in me

Karen Kenney: 00:04:46

or something. Because all of a sudden, I heard myself say, and

Karen Kenney: 00:04:49

I was tapping myself on the back, and I said, "I've got you,

Karen Kenney: 00:04:53

and I said it like three or four times. "I've got you, "I've got

Karen Kenney: 00:04:56

you, and I'm patting myself on the back right as I'm saying

Karen Kenney: 00:04:59

this. Well, it later occurred to me when I woke up the next day

Karen Kenney: 00:05:04

because I remembered this that I was like, "Okay, this is a great

Karen Kenney: 00:05:08

question to ask ourselves. I said, "I've got you. I got you.

Karen Kenney: 00:05:11

I've got you, which obviously I was trying to soothe or calm my

Karen Kenney: 00:05:16

nervous system, but I was also asking the question, "Well, who

Karen Kenney: 00:05:21

was the you that the I in I've got you? Who was the you that

Karen Kenney: 00:05:26

the I was talking to? And when I asked myself that, I was like,

Karen Kenney: 00:05:32

Oh, it was clearly some younger part of myself that was feeling

Karen Kenney: 00:05:37

anxious or scared or worried or whatever was bubbling up in like

Karen Kenney: 00:05:42

my dream state, you know, whenever I woke up, and it was

Karen Kenney: 00:05:45

so comforting and so nice when I was saying I've got you, and I

Karen Kenney: 00:05:49

realized, oh, that's like 50-seven going on 50-eight year

Karen Kenney: 00:05:53

old me talking to a younger part of me that was feeling whatever

Karen Kenney: 00:05:58

it was feeling at the time, which for me I'm sure it was

Karen Kenney: 00:06:00

anxious or worried or problem solving. It was doing whatever

Karen Kenney: 00:06:04

it does, and I wanted so I wanted to talk to you about

Karen Kenney: 00:06:08

this. So the the I, which I would call the self, right? The

Karen Kenney: 00:06:13

I part of me, the true self. So, and and we're going to get into

Karen Kenney: 00:06:17

this in a minute. Was talking to a youngest self, and I know that

Karen Kenney: 00:06:22

I've talked on this podcast before. I have mentioned several

Karen Kenney: 00:06:25

times about IFS, right? Internal Family Systems, IFS, commonly

Karen Kenney: 00:06:33

known as Potswork, P-A-R-T-S. Pots. Like I have a part of me

Karen Kenney: 00:06:37

that wants to go to the movie. I have a part of me that wants to

Karen Kenney: 00:06:40

stay home, right? Like pots work. Now, before we get into

Karen Kenney: 00:06:44

all of this, though, I have to make. I always say this. I say

Karen Kenney: 00:06:47

this to my clients. I say to my mentoring clients, my coaching

Karen Kenney: 00:06:50

clients, everybody. Whenever I'm kind of giving like any kind of

Karen Kenney: 00:06:53

mentoring, coaching, whatever advice, or people are asking me

Karen Kenney: 00:06:56

questions about my opinion, I always go hashtag not a

Karen Kenney: 00:06:59

therapist. Hashtag not a therapist, right? So I don't

Karen Kenney: 00:07:04

have a degree in mental health counseling. Da da da da. I have

Karen Kenney: 00:07:08

been a spiritual mentor for a wicked long time, certified. I

Karen Kenney: 00:07:10

did a training, a year long training, with a brilliant

Karen Kenney: 00:07:13

brilliant person who was a therapist and went to divinity

Karen Kenney: 00:07:16

school and was like you know, and still it still alive and

Karen Kenney: 00:07:20

still brilliant and smart, and I have been certified, you know,

Karen Kenney: 00:07:24

in a coaching program with another brilliant mind, Melissa

Karen Kenney: 00:07:27

Tias. Right, so I've been doing this work for a long time, but

Karen Kenney: 00:07:31

I'm still hashtag not a therapist. And I'm saying that

Karen Kenney: 00:07:35

because if you're listening to this, I don't like there.

Karen Kenney: 00:07:39

There are therapists out there that you can specifically go and

Karen Kenney: 00:07:42

see to do IFS work, internal family systems work. You can go

Karen Kenney: 00:07:47

to see them and to do pots work, like formally. Da da da da. The

Karen Kenney: 00:07:50

stuff that I'm sharing with you today is going to be hopefully

Karen Kenney: 00:07:53

helpful and stuff like that. But I want you to think of it as

Karen Kenney: 00:07:56

like, as Linda Tai says, the brilliant Linda Tai says, like

Karen Kenney: 00:07:59

sip sip. I'm just giving you a little sip, sip, a little taste.

Karen Kenney: 00:08:01

It's a little taste. It's a little peaky. It's a little

Karen Kenney: 00:08:03

gander, right? But I want you to like do your own homework.

Karen Kenney: 00:08:08

That's wicked important to me. That if I give you a taste of

Karen Kenney: 00:08:11

something and you're like, "Ooh, this really spoke to me, or

Karen Kenney: 00:08:14

"Wow, I can see how that could be helpful, right? I want you to

Karen Kenney: 00:08:17

do a little homework. So I got some books here that I will also

Karen Kenney: 00:08:19

share with you, so and there's more to this. There's there's a

Karen Kenney: 00:08:23

fun another fun part to this, but that's what kicked off this

Karen Kenney: 00:08:26

whole thing. This is the the heartbeat of the inspiration of

Karen Kenney: 00:08:29

this episode, right? Who is the you that the I was talking to?

Karen Kenney: 00:08:35

So I'll just show it up so you can see. So this is this is like

Karen Kenney: 00:08:38

oh my god, this book is so old. Look at Richard Schwartz when he

Karen Kenney: 00:08:41

was wicked, wicked young. So I'm holding this up. This is the

Karen Kenney: 00:08:44

Introduction to Internal Family Systems Model (IFS) model by

Karen Kenney: 00:08:50

Dick Schwartz. Richard Schwartz. He was the one who kind of came

Karen Kenney: 00:08:53

up with this. Now this one is from 2001. That's how long. This

Karen Kenney: 00:08:57

is an old book. Okay. He's since then revamped. revamped it. It's

Karen Kenney: 00:09:03

come out again. This one came out, I think, in yeah, 2023.

Karen Kenney: 00:09:06

This one came out, same book. So I'm just holding up the two, the

Karen Kenney: 00:09:09

two of them, so you can see the same Z's, but new cover. So the

Karen Kenney: 00:09:14

one over here that I'm tapping with my finger, Introduction to

Karen Kenney: 00:09:17

Internal Family Systems, or just watch, just has a new cover,

Karen Kenney: 00:09:20

updated like you know, 20-two years later. So you got these

Karen Kenney: 00:09:23

suckers right here, and these will hopefully be helpful. Okay,

Karen Kenney: 00:09:26

so if you want to check out more on IFS, okay, here are the

Karen Kenney: 00:09:29

books. Great. Okay, but let me just give you a little a little

Karen Kenney: 00:09:33

snipsy of this whole thing and why I think it can be incredibly

Karen Kenney: 00:09:36

helpful for us. So in IFS, in internal family systems, right?

Karen Kenney: 00:09:41

And what I love about this is there is, to me at least,

Karen Kenney: 00:09:43

there's a spiritual component to this. So, in spiritual work or

Karen Kenney: 00:09:47

whatever, we often talk about the self. Like in yoga, we say

Karen Kenney: 00:09:50

the Atman, right? In other traditions, we just say the self

Karen Kenney: 00:09:53

with a capital S. Like to me, that means your true self. Then

Karen Kenney: 00:09:57

that we sometimes will say the small s. Self, right. This is in

Karen Kenney: 00:10:01

other things. I'm not talking about IFS yet. In other

Karen Kenney: 00:10:04

traditions, we might say the small s, which is like the

Karen Kenney: 00:10:07

personality and the ego and the patterns and the bullshit and

Karen Kenney: 00:10:10

all your habits and stuff. Then there's your capital S self.

Karen Kenney: 00:10:13

That's the divine self, the true self, the eternal, unchanging

Karen Kenney: 00:10:18

self. That's the capital S self. Well, in internal family

Karen Kenney: 00:10:23

systems, they also have the capital S self, which I would

Karen Kenney: 00:10:27

say, and they call this the self. And the self, think of the

Karen Kenney: 00:10:31

self. It's been described as many things. It's like the core

Karen Kenney: 00:10:34

of who you are. It is the essence of who you are. It is

Karen Kenney: 00:10:37

the captain of the ship. People have often. I was trying to see

Karen Kenney: 00:10:42

if there was another description here. It doesn't matter. But

Karen Kenney: 00:10:47

think about that. That the same thing. That capital S self is

Karen Kenney: 00:10:50

the truth of you. To me, that is like the healed part of you.

Karen Kenney: 00:10:54

That is the part of you that is like more. Maybe we would say

Karen Kenney: 00:10:59

even beyond the adult or the mature, or the healed-right?

Karen Kenney: 00:11:03

Those those words. But this is like again the part of you that

Karen Kenney: 00:11:08

is grounded. I would say in love. It is the true essence of

Karen Kenney: 00:11:12

who you are.

Karen Kenney: 00:11:13

Before the world got its hands on you, before you had your

Karen Kenney: 00:11:16

traumas and your dramas and the family stuff and all the

Karen Kenney: 00:11:20

bullshit and all the wounds and the harm and all that stuff.

Karen Kenney: 00:11:24

Before all of that, there is that true self, the core of who

Karen Kenney: 00:11:28

you really are. Okay, now what we're trying to do when you're

Karen Kenney: 00:11:32

doing Pat's work, ultimately, and this is another book I'll

Karen Kenney: 00:11:37

hold up here because I want to I want to show you this. This is

Karen Kenney: 00:11:40

another book by Dick Schwartz, Richard Schwartz, called "No Bad

Karen Kenney: 00:11:43

Pots, No Bad Pots, and it's called "Healing Trauma and

Karen Kenney: 00:11:47

Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model.

Karen Kenney: 00:11:50

This is really thing, but here are the four basic goals of

Karen Kenney: 00:11:54

internal family systems. This is straight from his mouth, from

Karen Kenney: 00:11:56

his book, right? This is the goal, the four basic goals of

Karen Kenney: 00:12:00

IFS. Number one, and we're going to get into these pots, right?

Karen Kenney: 00:12:04

So remember when I go back to that story and I said, "Who was

Karen Kenney: 00:12:06

the you that the I was talking to? Those you bits, those you

Karen Kenney: 00:12:10

bits, what I would call the younger pots of me, right? We

Karen Kenney: 00:12:14

call those pots, and we're going to get into that in a minute.

Karen Kenney: 00:12:17

But the four basic goals of IFS is number one to liberate your

Karen Kenney: 00:12:21

pots from the roles that they've been forced into, so that they

Karen Kenney: 00:12:26

can be who they're designed to be. More on that later. One to

Karen Kenney: 00:12:31

restore trust in the self, capital S self, and self

Karen Kenney: 00:12:36

leadership. And we're going to get into self leadership too,

Karen Kenney: 00:12:39

because the self and the self leadership was that I part of me

Karen Kenney: 00:12:44

that was telling the younger part of me, "I've got you. Okay,

Karen Kenney: 00:12:48

that was number two. Restore trust in the self and self

Karen Kenney: 00:12:51

leadership. Number three is to reharmonize the inner system,

Karen Kenney: 00:12:56

this inner system of the this kind of inner family that you

Karen Kenney: 00:12:59

have of all these paths, okay, and then it's to become more

Karen Kenney: 00:13:04

self-led. That self-leadership to be more capital S self-led in

Karen Kenney: 00:13:10

all of your interactions in the world. These are really great

Karen Kenney: 00:13:14

goals. They're very important, okay. So to get into this, think

Karen Kenney: 00:13:18

about this. We have when we when you want to think about like

Karen Kenney: 00:13:23

your pots, your pots in action, right? Like today, I went to the

Karen Kenney: 00:13:27

gym this morning, and there might be a time like you wake up

Karen Kenney: 00:13:29

and you're like, okay, well, one part of me wants to go to the

Karen Kenney: 00:13:32

gym because a I want to keep my word to myself, I want to stay

Karen Kenney: 00:13:35

in self integrity, I want to like grow my muscles, I want to

Karen Kenney: 00:13:38

stay fit and healthy and strong and all of those things, but the

Karen Kenney: 00:13:42

other part of me is like wants to stay home and relax, right?

Karen Kenney: 00:13:46

So we say this all the time. Patchwork is not some kooky,

Karen Kenney: 00:13:49

far-fetched whatever. We talk about the different parts of

Karen Kenney: 00:13:52

ourselves all the time. One part of me, even though I ask for the

Karen Kenney: 00:13:56

divorce, and you know, there's one part of me that wants the

Karen Kenney: 00:13:58

divorce. There's one part of me that still loves them. There's

Karen Kenney: 00:14:01

one part of me that's angry, but there's another part of me that

Karen Kenney: 00:14:04

understands that they just had a tough childhood and da da da da.

Karen Kenney: 00:14:07

So we have all these parts within ourselves. Now remember,

Karen Kenney: 00:14:11

I'm keeping this like super light. I'm not going to go like

Karen Kenney: 00:14:14

again. Hashtag not a therapist, but I do think that knowing

Karen Kenney: 00:14:18

these things can be wicked helpful when we're trying to

Karen Kenney: 00:14:21

understand ourselves, when we're trying to understand others, and

Karen Kenney: 00:14:24

we're trying to-for me, I will say that Pat's work has been

Karen Kenney: 00:14:29

really, really huge in my work with forgiveness. Me personally,

Karen Kenney: 00:14:33

I'm not saying it should be for you. It has just been wicked

Karen Kenney: 00:14:36

helpful for me. Okay, so then you basically have the self-that

Karen Kenney: 00:14:39

is the captain of the ship. It's over here, and then we have

Karen Kenney: 00:14:42

these parts. So the parts are broken down into a couple of

Karen Kenney: 00:14:46

different categories. There's the protectors, and underneath

Karen Kenney: 00:14:51

the protectors, there's two kinds, right? There's the

Karen Kenney: 00:14:53

manages, and then there's the firefighters, and we're gonna

Karen Kenney: 00:14:57

get into those. Okay, that's the next step. Those your pots, they

Karen Kenney: 00:15:02

only exist now.

Karen Kenney: 00:15:03

If you guys have ever heard me say on this show, like, oh, one

Karen Kenney: 00:15:06

of my pots that I have named because I love to name my pots.

Karen Kenney: 00:15:10

So one of my pots I call Vicky with 2k from Lawrence, and Vicky

Karen Kenney: 00:15:15

is the one who kind of like she's a major protective man.

Karen Kenney: 00:15:18

Like she's got something to say. She doesn't like it when there's

Karen Kenney: 00:15:21

an injustice. She doesn't like it when somebody's mean to

Karen Kenney: 00:15:23

animals or little kids or women or old people or anybody. She

Karen Kenney: 00:15:26

doesn't like meanness. She doesn't like bullies. She

Karen Kenney: 00:15:28

doesn't like injustices, right? Like, and she's like, "Give me

Karen Kenney: 00:15:31

the mic. I got something to say. Right. So she's like this tough

Karen Kenney: 00:15:34

part of me. She's still alive and well in there. And I always

Karen Kenney: 00:15:38

say, like, I like to give Vicky with 2k from Lawrence, a job

Karen Kenney: 00:15:41

every once in a while, but we cannot we cannot let her run the

Karen Kenney: 00:15:45

show. She peeks up she peeks her head up every once in a while,

Karen Kenney: 00:15:48

and I'll be like, "Hey, Vicky, what's happening? So we're gonna

Karen Kenney: 00:15:53

get into that in a minute, okay? But so we have protectors. I'll

Karen Kenney: 00:15:57

tell you a little bit more about the managers and a little bit

Karen Kenney: 00:15:59

more about the firefighters in a moment, but they exist. I always

Karen Kenney: 00:16:03

say it like this again. Hashtag not a therapist. This is just my

Karen Kenney: 00:16:07

point of view. I look at the protectors. I always ask myself

the question: 00:16:10

Well, who are they protecting, right? So what

the question: 00:16:13

they're protecting, or who they're protecting, is what we

the question: 00:16:16

would call the exiles, and the exiles are like the wounded and

the question: 00:16:21

really vulnerable parts of your internal family system-I would

the question: 00:16:25

call them the younger parts of you-which is going back to when

the question: 00:16:29

I said, "I've got you. That you I was talking to was some

the question: 00:16:32

younger part of me that was feeling whatever it was feeling,

the question: 00:16:35

right? So that the wounded and vulnerable parts of

the question: 00:16:39

ourselves-they often carry the pain and the memories from our

the question: 00:16:43

childhood, from our past traumatic experiences, and a lot

the question: 00:16:47

of people do not like to think about those old experiences.

the question: 00:16:51

They don't want to talk about those old experiences. They

the question: 00:16:54

certainly don't want to revisit them and feel them. So what do

the question: 00:16:57

they do? And I'm doing this with my hands, you guys. They're up

the question: 00:16:59

by my face, and I'm pushing them down and out, right? They're

the question: 00:17:02

just like taking those parts of you, those younger, vulnerable

the question: 00:17:05

parts of you that might still be scared, or feel abandoned, or

the question: 00:17:10

lonely, or angry, right? Like, and they're just going, nope.

the question: 00:17:15

They're just like, nope. So the exiles, those younger parts of

the question: 00:17:18

us who didn't have a voice, didn't get a say. Didn't matter

the question: 00:17:21

what we wanted. Didn't matter what we felt. weren't asked to

the question: 00:17:23

have an opinion. Didn't care. Didn't matter. Suck it up. Stuff

the question: 00:17:27

it down. Those exiles literally got sucked up and stuffed down

the question: 00:17:31

and sent off to Siberia. Right. So they they have been quote

the question: 00:17:34

unquote exiled. So the exile, and I'm reading this from exiles

the question: 00:17:39

are often hidden by protectors and managers to prevent the

the question: 00:17:43

individual from experiencing the intense emotions that are

the question: 00:17:47

associated with the past wounds, that's the role of the exiles.

the question: 00:17:51

And the goal is to keep those very vulnerable pots protected,

the question: 00:17:55

which hence we have right the protectors, we have the manages,

the question: 00:18:00

and we have the firefighters. So, what the managers do in

the question: 00:18:03

Double A men hands, man, I can highly and easily recognize

the question: 00:18:09

these pots within myself. So maybe and hopefully, fingers

the question: 00:18:13

crossed, like you can too. So, the firefighters. So, what?

the question: 00:18:17

First of all, number one, the managers try to keep us safe by

the question: 00:18:21

controlling other paths or people or situations. So what

the question: 00:18:25

the managers often do is they're proactive protectives, right? So

the question: 00:18:31

they try to avoid and prevent and control against perceived

the question: 00:18:36

threats. They're like, okay, something's going to go down, so

the question: 00:18:39

I'm going to be wicked hyper vigilant, wicked hyper

the question: 00:18:43

responsible, and I'm going to plan, and I'm going to organize,

the question: 00:18:46

and I'm going to control. And they work alongside, right? The

the question: 00:18:50

other protectors. What they want to do is they want to maintain

the question: 00:18:53

order, and they want to prevent the individual. In this case,

the question: 00:18:57

I'll just say me from feeling overwhelmed, right? So managers

the question: 00:19:01

try to prevent the vulnerable feelings from emerging. They're

the question: 00:19:05

proactive. They're like type A. They get shit done. Right.

the question: 00:19:09

They're controlling.

the question: 00:19:10

They can be nitpicky. They're quick to criticize. Right. Like

the question: 00:19:13

those are those parts of you. The perfectionist. Right. They

the question: 00:19:16

try to prevent the vulnerable feelings from emerging by

the question: 00:19:19

staying in control and avoiding potential triggers, you know

the question: 00:19:23

when you say, "Oh my God, that triggered me! I got so

the question: 00:19:25

triggered! Right? They're trying to avoid that, and they're very

the question: 00:19:29

much, you guys, associated with a sense of responsibility or

the question: 00:19:33

duty. I have to do this, right? Not so great, maybe at

the question: 00:19:37

delegating, right? Like I've got to do it. I've got to take care

the question: 00:19:40

of it. I got to stay on top of it. They're literally being

the question: 00:19:42

proactive and trying to prevent bad shit from happening. Those

the question: 00:19:45

are the managers who are the protectors. Okay. So the

the question: 00:19:48

protectors again. Remember the overall job of the protectors,

the question: 00:19:52

both the managers and the firefighters, is to shield the

the question: 00:19:56

individual from pain and vulnerability, so they can take

the question: 00:19:59

on roles. Being critical, perfectionist, controlling, and

the question: 00:20:02

sometimes even aloof, aloof, aloof, aloof, aloof. It's aloof.

the question: 00:20:07

Okay, so that's what they do. They they try to guard against

the question: 00:20:12

pain. They guard against emotions that are attached to or

the question: 00:20:16

associated with past experiences, that especially the

the question: 00:20:19

traumatic ones. So they use all these different strategies to

the question: 00:20:22

kind of maintain control. That's really it is. They're looking

the question: 00:20:25

for safety, just how like how your nervous system's number one

the question: 00:20:30

question is always: Am I safe? Am I safe? Am I safe? Am I safe?

the question: 00:20:33

So also your protectors are trying to maintain safety and

the question: 00:20:37

control. That's what they do. The managers do it in a very

the question: 00:20:41

proactive way. The firefighters, this other group of protectors,

the question: 00:20:47

they do it in a reactive way. So the firefighters are kind of

the question: 00:20:51

like think of them as like emergency responders, like first

the question: 00:20:54

responders, right? I was just working the other day. I did

the question: 00:20:57

Thai yoga massage, Thai yoga body work on a firefighter the

the question: 00:21:01

other day, and I was just thinking about how like they're

the question: 00:21:05

the ones that rush in, right? The firefighters, there's a

the question: 00:21:08

perceived threat, like something is going on. There's a fire.

the question: 00:21:11

There's an alarm going off. There's an accident. They go

the question: 00:21:13

rushing in, and that's what our firefighters do, right? In the

the question: 00:21:17

internal family systems model, is they are there to be

the question: 00:21:21

emergency responders, so when your system starts to feel

the question: 00:21:25

overwhelmed, or some younger part of you, remember the

the question: 00:21:29

managers and the firefighters are protecting the exiles. So

the question: 00:21:32

when one of your exiles, those younger parts, gets triggered,

the question: 00:21:35

or scared, or worried, or anxious, or whatever, right?

the question: 00:21:39

They come right in. They are the reactive ones. The managers are

the question: 00:21:44

proactive, right? The managers are like, "Oh shit, the house is

the question: 00:21:47

on fire. We got to do something now, right? There's a big

the question: 00:21:50

feeling coming up. There's a big situation, right? And some part

the question: 00:21:55

of us is like freaking out. The alarm is sounding, right? The

the question: 00:21:58

anxiety is firing. Whatever it is, so the firefighters tend to,

the question: 00:22:03

though they respond more impulsively. Anybody here a

the question: 00:22:08

little impulsive sometimes? Raise your hands. Right? I'm not

the question: 00:22:12

so much anymore, but I used to be more impulsive. And you're

the question: 00:22:15

not even aware that you're being impulsive because it happens.

the question: 00:22:19

The decision in your mind to protect and put out the fire

the question: 00:22:23

happens so quickly, but I'm way more aware of it now. So they

the question: 00:22:27

respond impulsively to like overwhelming big emotions, stuff

the question: 00:22:31

like that. Okay, so they often engage though. Here's how they

the question: 00:22:35

show up, right? Where the where the managers are a little bit

the question: 00:22:38

more critical, perfectionist, controlling, or aloof, right?

the question: 00:22:41

The firefighters are more like they engage in behaviors like

the question: 00:22:47

substance abuse, or self harm, or other kind of like impulsive

the question: 00:22:51

actions. That their job is to try to distract you or to numb

the question: 00:22:54

you, like those intense feelings when they're flaring up, when

the question: 00:22:57

they're coming up. They just want to put out that fire, so

the question: 00:22:59

they will react and do whatever they can. Sometimes we can see

the question: 00:23:03

it as compulsive behaviors like over-exercising, like anything

the question: 00:23:07

where you're basically trying to, you know, like I said,

the question: 00:23:10

substance abuse. Not everybody. I'm just saying this is why I

the question: 00:23:12

said hashtag not a therapist. Do your own homework. I'm just

the question: 00:23:15

saying this is the general understanding that is kind of

the question: 00:23:18

out there, and firefighters often come into play when

the question: 00:23:21

protectors and managers are unable to contain the emotional

the question: 00:23:25

distress.

the question: 00:23:26

Like let's say a part of you was being really proactive and

the question: 00:23:29

trying to do everything to keep you safe, and then that whatever

the question: 00:23:32

strategy that was failed, and that's when the firefighters

the question: 00:23:35

come on because they try to do a quick escape. They're like,

the question: 00:23:37

"We're out of here. So whether it's smoking cigarettes or doing

the question: 00:23:40

drugs or drinking or shopping, distraction, distraction, numb,

the question: 00:23:43

numb, numb. The firefighters are like, "Let's go! Like, make

the question: 00:23:46

yourself go run. And this is why we see a lot of times people

the question: 00:23:49

just kind of switch tactics, right? So maybe, and again, I'm

the question: 00:23:52

just using whatever examples. They kind of go from one extreme

the question: 00:23:57

to another. They might stop, you know, using a substance, but

the question: 00:24:00

then they start doing like hardcore Ironmans, or they, you

the question: 00:24:03

know, they they just go from one extreme like to another. They

the question: 00:24:07

stop doing this, and then they're like rock climbing the

the question: 00:24:09

hottest peak, you know, whatever it is. So it's like knowing

the question: 00:24:12

ourselves, and this is one of the things I love about IFS

the question: 00:24:16

work. The thing that I have found most fascinating about Pat

the question: 00:24:20

stuff is really. It helps me to become more self-aware. It helps

the question: 00:24:26

me to know myself better. It helps me to know like how I'm

the question: 00:24:30

reacting, how I'm responding, why I am, and when I can

the question: 00:24:34

understand my own internal story and what's going on inside of

the question: 00:24:38

me, what exile is trying to speak, which exile is having the

the question: 00:24:42

panic attack or the anxiety or the worry or the fear or

the question: 00:24:45

whatever is going on? I think of the capital S self as love. Like

the question: 00:24:51

to me, that's the that's the love, right? And all these pots,

the question: 00:24:55

the protectors who are the managers and the firefighters,

the question: 00:24:58

and then the exiles that they're protecting. These pots are all

the question: 00:25:01

the pots of me. Sometimes that have forgotten that they're

the question: 00:25:04

actually a capital S self. They feel fragmented. They feel

the question: 00:25:09

alone. They feel very afraid because they're out in the wild

the question: 00:25:13

trying to defend themselves and protect themselves and survive

the question: 00:25:16

because they've forgotten that who they really are is the

the question: 00:25:19

capital self s, the capital S self and the the the core of you

the question: 00:25:25

that love and that self energy we're going to talk about we're

the question: 00:25:30

going to come back to that like because there's great qualities

the question: 00:25:33

in the self and that will help us to identify when we're more

the question: 00:25:37

in that self energy but let's kind of tap into the exiles now

the question: 00:25:40

so you know about the protectors, the managers, and

the question: 00:25:43

the firefighters, and then there's also the exiles. This is

the question: 00:25:46

also a great book. I'm going to show you this one as well. This

the question: 00:25:50

one is called "We All Have Pots, and this is an illustrated guide

the question: 00:25:54

to healing trauma with internal family systems. This is by

the question: 00:25:57

Colleen West, and I love it because it's like a little

the question: 00:26:00

picture book, and you can see. Like I'll just flip it open to

the question: 00:26:04

the little exiles page because I think it's so cute, and it

the question: 00:26:09

talks. Okay, like this is this is a great picture. So this one,

the question: 00:26:14

what I'm describing is right in the middle of the page. There's

the question: 00:26:17

a big sun, and that's how I like to think of the self too. It's

the question: 00:26:21

like that bright, true light that you are-the love, the true

the question: 00:26:25

self. That's in the middle of the page, and then on the left

the question: 00:26:28

are the managers, and the managers are like the type A

the question: 00:26:30

executive, the caretaker, oh, the people pleaser, the one that

the question: 00:26:34

does everything. That's one of the managers as well, and then

the question: 00:26:38

like the hash critic. That's how your managers can show up in

the question: 00:26:41

these different ways, and then on the on the right over here

the question: 00:26:45

you have the firefighters, and they have like compulsive

the question: 00:26:48

drinker, compulsive eater, compulsive exercises, right? So

the question: 00:26:52

those are the very reactive. The managers proactive, and then

the question: 00:26:55

down here you have the exiles, and there's pictures of

the question: 00:26:58

different people, and the exiles they they gave them. Colleen

the question: 00:27:03

gave them these great names. There's the terrified toddler,

the question: 00:27:06

the hungry baby, the hostile and lonely teen, the confused and

the question: 00:27:11

angry kindergartner, the ashamed preteen, and the neglected

the question: 00:27:16

infant.

the question: 00:27:17

And when you see those little exiles like personified as like

the question: 00:27:20

little cartoons, for me it just really gave me so much

the question: 00:27:24

compassion for them, for me, and then for everybody else, kind of

the question: 00:27:29

in the world, where we're all just trying to to help, you

the question: 00:27:32

know, these exiled parts of ourselves that are kind of

the question: 00:27:35

having I say conniption fits, right? They're kind of having

the question: 00:27:38

little tantrums, you know, and this is what I'm talking about.

the question: 00:27:41

When people often say to me, "Oh, it's too bad that you don't

the question: 00:27:45

work with children. You don't work with kids. They could

the question: 00:27:47

probably really use this stuff. And I said, "Well, technically,

the question: 00:27:49

I work with adults, but I'm really just working with little

the question: 00:27:52

kids and adult bodies. You know what I mean? We all have these

the question: 00:27:56

younger parts of us, and the thing is, is when there's trauma

the question: 00:27:59

in our life, when there's these earlier wounds, these things

the question: 00:28:02

that happen to us when we're younger, I think of it as like

the question: 00:28:06

our exiles kind of get they they carry the memories of our

the question: 00:28:09

childhood, the exiles, and for me, anyways, I feel like those

the question: 00:28:14

parts of us that whatever age we were at when those traumas

the question: 00:28:18

happened, parts of us get frozen in that time. It's like they did

the question: 00:28:23

not get the note, they did not get the memo, they did not get

the question: 00:28:26

the system update. Like, hey, I'm 57 now. We made it. We're

the question: 00:28:32

still alive. We're happy. We have an awesome sweetie, right?

the question: 00:28:35

My husband's amazing. I have, I have, I have a good little group

the question: 00:28:40

of core friends, right? I have furry kids that I'm crazy with.

the question: 00:28:43

I have a job I love. Whatever we don't realize, and so one of the

the question: 00:28:49

questions I always tell my clients is when they're having

the question: 00:28:52

some big reaction, when they're having a big emotion, when

the question: 00:28:55

they're having a big trigger, is one of the questions we can ask

the question: 00:28:59

ourselves is how old am I right now? Right, that part of me,

the question: 00:29:04

like when you're just responding in a way where you even surprise

the question: 00:29:07

yourself. Sometimes you're like, I don't know why I'm even

the question: 00:29:09

crying. I don't even know why I'm angry. I just know blah blah

the question: 00:29:12

blah. I'm like, well, some part of you knows why you're angry.

the question: 00:29:14

Some part of you knows why you're crying. Maybe we can like

the question: 00:29:17

reach out and make a connection. Maybe we can have a little

the question: 00:29:20

conversation with that younger part of you, right? And so I'll

the question: 00:29:23

ask myself, "How old are you right now? What age am I right

the question: 00:29:26

now? Because that helps me to get in touch. Like, oh yeah, I

the question: 00:29:31

remember first feeling like this when I was six, or I remember

the question: 00:29:33

the first time I, you know, whatever a sibling stole a toy,

the question: 00:29:36

and I was like, "Mine, or you know, I didn't want to share, or

the question: 00:29:39

I was really embarrassed, or whatever is coming up within me,

the question: 00:29:43

it's like, oh yeah. So if we can kind of tap into what younger

the question: 00:29:47

part, what little exile, right? Is it the toddler? Is it the

the question: 00:29:51

pre? You know, the preteen? Is it the teen? Like, how old are

the question: 00:29:54

you when this? Um, were you that you know? What age do you think

the question: 00:29:59

you're reacting? Right, what exile is trying to let you know

the question: 00:30:03

that they're scared or there's an issue, and it comes back to

the question: 00:30:06

that. Like when I was in bed and I was patting myself, I was

the question: 00:30:09

self-soothing, right, as we say, and I was saying, "I've got you,

the question: 00:30:12

I've got you, I've got you. I was kind of trying, like

the question: 00:30:15

updating. I was updating whatever that young exile is to

know: 00:30:19

number one, you're not alone. Number two, I feel you. I

know: 00:30:23

can feel you having whatever experience you're having, and

know: 00:30:26

I'm not going to abandon you. We don't abandon anymore. I just

know: 00:30:29

did a whole episode on this about you know stop abandoning

know: 00:30:33

yourself. So I don't abandon those parts of me anymore. You

know: 00:30:36

know, there are many years where like maybe I'm like, nope, we do

know: 00:30:39

not have time for your trauma and your drama and your dead

know: 00:30:42

mother and your your bullshit, right? It wasn't bullshit. Those

know: 00:30:45

were the hurt parts of me. But for a long time, I was just in

know: 00:30:49

survival mode. I had to survive my life. There was not a lot of

know: 00:30:54

time to go back and do like wound care.

know: 00:30:57

You know what I mean? There was no, there was nobody, no man

know: 00:31:00

left behind. I was leaving parts of me behind all the time, and

know: 00:31:05

now I'm just like, yeah, no, they get a voice. I don't let

know: 00:31:08

them run the show, but I can tell when I'm having a reaction

know: 00:31:12

from those younger parts of myself, you know. And I try to

know: 00:31:15

meet them with really, I try to meet them with self energy. I

know: 00:31:18

try to meet them with loving care, and I always laugh because

know: 00:31:23

I remember when these concepts like first came up. I remember

know: 00:31:26

living in California, like back in the day when I lived in LA

know: 00:31:28

and stuff. And you know, back then is when these concepts of

know: 00:31:32

like shadow work or the inner child or IFS, these things

know: 00:31:36

started like coming up. And I remember I used to always like

know: 00:31:40

roll my eyes. I used to find the idea of like inner child work.

know: 00:31:44

I'd be like, like, come on, right? Vicky with 2k from

know: 00:31:51

Lawrence was like not into it, right? Some other part of me

know: 00:31:54

that was like, no, we're not doing that, and I laugh because

know: 00:31:58

I found this sticker. I bought this sticker so long ago, but

know: 00:32:01

this sticka is so funny, and because everybody would be like,

know: 00:32:05

"Just be kind to yourself, just love yourself, like listen to

know: 00:32:08

your inner child, and I'd be like, "Yeah, but you don't

know: 00:32:10

understand. My inner child is like not nice, right? And then I

know: 00:32:13

found this sticka. Look at this; it's so great. It says, "My

know: 00:32:16

inner child is a mean little fucker. That that about summed

know: 00:32:23

it up. My inner child is a mean little fuck up, but since then,

know: 00:32:28

all those younger parts, you know, within me, we've had some

know: 00:32:32

conversations over the years, and so I really do try to first

know: 00:32:36

of all acknowledge those parts of myself, like tell them that I

know: 00:32:40

see them. I ask them, you know, what is it that they need me to

know: 00:32:44

know? What are they trying to tell me? What what's going on?

know: 00:32:48

Right. I try to really listen. Now, this signs like for some

know: 00:32:51

people, they're like, "This is kooky monkeys. I'm not talking

know: 00:32:53

to myself that way, or I I I'm not doing that, you know. And I

know: 00:32:57

say, "Hey, if you saw a little kid, like a little little kid,

know: 00:33:02

right? Distressed somewhere, right? At the store, at a county

know: 00:33:07

fair, on the street, whatever. I don't think most of the people

know: 00:33:12

that I know, right, would walk by a distressed child and not

know: 00:33:18

bend down and get at eye level and say, sweetheart, are you

know: 00:33:21

okay? What's going on? Where's your mom? Where's your dad?

know: 00:33:24

What's happening? Right? You would you would pay attention.

know: 00:33:28

And I'm like, if we would do that for strangers, if we would

know: 00:33:30

do that for a little kid outside of us, why would we ignore the

know: 00:33:34

little kid inside of me? And here's a little trick that you

know: 00:33:39

might find useful too. If you find all of this a little like,

know: 00:33:42

like eye rolling or weird, or you don't like it, IFS isn't for

know: 00:33:47

everybody. Maybe I'm not saying you have to do it or even

know: 00:33:50

whatever, but these are just interesting things to consider.

know: 00:33:53

But I found when I was first, you know, trying to have these

know: 00:33:56

conversations with the younger parts of me that it was like

know: 00:34:01

somebody once said to me, "Well, try to picture yourself when you

know: 00:34:05

were like three. Try to picture yourself when you were two or

know: 00:34:08

three or four, a young kid, and you know, imagine them. And I'm

know: 00:34:12

like, "Okay. And they're like, "Well, would you pull them into

know: 00:34:14

your lap? Would you hug them? And I felt this is just this is

know: 00:34:18

years ago, but I honestly felt resistance. I was like, I don't

know: 00:34:23

want to do that. Like, I don't know how to do that. Like, I

know: 00:34:26

could easily do it with little humans outside of my own body.

know: 00:34:29

But for myself, I had this resistance, and so all of a

know: 00:34:33

sudden, I blurted out. I said, "Can I make it an animal?

know: 00:34:39

Because I knew, I knew there was no way animal outside of me or

know: 00:34:45

inside of me. If it needed my attention, if it needed my care,

know: 00:34:48

if it needed my compassion, my tenderness, my love, I would not

know: 00:34:52

ignore it.

know: 00:34:53

I just knew, and the person I was speaking to at the it was a

know: 00:34:57

therapist, but we were doing we were doing work for. IBS. We

know: 00:35:00

were doing work for my my my gut issues. We weren't. It wasn't

know: 00:35:04

even like, oh, we're going to psychoanalyze you and like that.

know: 00:35:08

But it was part of this this thing working on my IBS, and I

know: 00:35:11

these pots just kind of came up. I said, can I make it a little

know: 00:35:15

animal? And she said, sure. If that's you know, yeah, if that

know: 00:35:18

works for you. She's like, "What is it? And I said, "Oh, it's the

know: 00:35:21

little bunny. And she's like, "Okay, so there's a frightened

know: 00:35:24

little bunny. What are we gonna do? I said, "Oh my God, I'm

know: 00:35:28

gonna like pick it up. I'm gonna hold it close to me. I'm gonna

know: 00:35:30

talk to it sweetly. I'm gonna, I'm gonna like pet it. I'm gonna

know: 00:35:33

reassure it. I'm gonna say, 'I've got you. I'm here. I love

know: 00:35:36

you. You're okay. And I was like, "Oh, duh, right? Like like

know: 00:35:41

oh, this is probably how I want to be talking to the younger

know: 00:35:45

parts of me. Right, talking to the younger self. It's like oh,

know: 00:35:50

younger you. Right, who's the you? I'm like oh, it's younger

know: 00:35:54

me. Like yes, and how do I want to talk to this? How do I want

know: 00:35:58

to meet this younger part of myself? Well, I want to meet it

know: 00:36:02

in self energy, right? The protectors have been trying to

know: 00:36:07

do their job. The protectors have been running around trying

know: 00:36:10

to put out fires, trying to control everything, trying to

know: 00:36:13

make sure the the younger parts of me didn't get help, didn't

know: 00:36:17

get hurt again. But what happens is all those parts of me become

know: 00:36:21

burdened. They become overwhelmed and burdened.

know: 00:36:24

They've been given jobs that they shouldn't have been given

know: 00:36:27

at ages that they shouldn't have been given because there should

know: 00:36:30

have been adults outside of me protecting me, caring me, seeing

know: 00:36:34

me, listening. Right? All those things, teaching me these things

know: 00:36:38

that I wasn't alone, that I wasn't abandoned, that I was

know: 00:36:41

allowed to have feelings, blah blah blah blah blah, right?

know: 00:36:44

Again, hashtag not a therapist, just saying. But so we create

know: 00:36:48

these internal pots, these internal think about even the

know: 00:36:51

words. There's an internal family in there, and there were

know: 00:36:55

parts of us that didn't get parenting, that didn't get what

know: 00:36:57

they needed, right? And so the firefighters and and the

know: 00:37:00

managers are like running around trying to do all this work to

know: 00:37:03

protect. And the thing is, is sometimes we just have to have

know: 00:37:06

some conversations with those younger selves. And it's like

know: 00:37:08

you know when you do like a system update, whether you're an

know: 00:37:11

Apple user, a Mac user, or you're you know somebody who

know: 00:37:13

uses Windows and Microsoft, whatever. There's system

know: 00:37:17

updates. We have to start downloading the updates and

know: 00:37:22

letting those younger parts of us know that we made it. We're

know: 00:37:25

still here. Yeah, we still have some work to do. Yeah, we're not

know: 00:37:29

perfect. All that stuff, but we are older. We're wiser. We're

know: 00:37:33

more self-aware. We have more self-compassion. We have more

know: 00:37:36

tools. Hopefully, you guys. Hopefully. Now I know some of

know: 00:37:41

you are thinking about maybe your parents or some people in

know: 00:37:44

your life, and like, well, they clearly had do not have the

know: 00:37:46

tools. But we can't control what other people are doing, so let's

know: 00:37:51

keep the focus on ourselves. But we can gather the tools, right,

know: 00:37:54

to be more helpful to ourselves. But when those younger pats,

know: 00:37:59

when we're going to Engage with when we're going to engage with

know: 00:38:05

those younger parts. I want to be coming to them from a place

know: 00:38:10

of not only love but from my true self, the self, self, the

know: 00:38:14

capital S self. I want that part of me to be leading the show,

know: 00:38:19

right? To be running the show, and there's these eight

know: 00:38:23

qualities, the 8c's right? The 8c in internal family systems

know: 00:38:28

that they're called, and these are like the qualities that we

know: 00:38:32

want to show up with, that describe the core qualities that

know: 00:38:37

emerge as we do this work of unburdening, right? Unburdening

know: 00:38:41

and healing our parts. As we do this, we start to realize that

know: 00:38:45

these 8c already exist within us. They've just been.

know: 00:38:48

It's like when a cloud comes in front of the sun and the sun

know: 00:38:51

gets blocked, and it can be really easy to think like, oh,

know: 00:38:55

right, that that that that is not there anymore. The love

know: 00:38:58

isn't there anymore. But you can never extinguish the sun, and

know: 00:39:01

you can never extinguish yourself, your true self. So

know: 00:39:04

these eight qualities of the self, right? They're curiosity

know: 00:39:09

and clarity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity,

know: 00:39:16

connectedness, and calm. All right, I'll say them again.

know: 00:39:20

There's curiosity, this clarity, compassion, confidence, courage,

know: 00:39:27

creativity, that connected, that connectedness, and calm. And the

know: 00:39:32

thing that's great about knowing these, and why I said them

know: 00:39:35

twice, is so that maybe you hear them, they start to sink in.

know: 00:39:39

Because the more we're familiar with these qualities, the more

know: 00:39:44

you'll be able to tell when you're in your self energy and

know: 00:39:49

leading from yourself self leadership versus when you're

know: 00:39:53

not. So when you're panicking, when you're anxious, when you're

know: 00:39:57

angry, when you're upset, all those emotions. Are welcome, but

know: 00:40:01

we don't want to be living and making like decisions from that

know: 00:40:04

place. We want to be able to tap into these 8c's and when we

know: 00:40:09

recognize the feeling of these, of staying in curiosity, meeting

know: 00:40:13

ourselves with curiosity instead of judgment, having clarity in

know: 00:40:17

that awareness, showing up with compassion for those younger

know: 00:40:20

parts of ourselves showing up in the confidence, like, hey, I'm

know: 00:40:23

this age now. I made it. I have more tools. I have people who

know: 00:40:26

love me. I have a roof over my head. Right. I got food in the

know: 00:40:29

fridge now. Having courage, having creativity, problem

know: 00:40:33

solving. Right. Using your imagination and stuff like that.

know: 00:40:36

Feeling a state of being a part of something greater than you.

know: 00:40:39

Feeling connected and doing it from a place of calm, that you

know: 00:40:42

can find safety, that you can have serenity, regardless of the

know: 00:40:46

insanity going on. Right? We don't have time to dive into all

know: 00:40:49

the 8c's but the more you're familiar with these, the more

know: 00:40:52

you'll recognize when you're in alignment with those 8c's and

know: 00:40:56

you're living from that place, and you're loving and talking

know: 00:40:59

and whatever, choosing from that place, from love instead of fear

know: 00:41:04

of a lot of the managing and the protecting and the exiles, and

know: 00:41:07

that's a really important thing, you know. And so I just wanted

know: 00:41:12

to share these concepts and ideas with you. And like I said,

know: 00:41:15

if you're curious, please like rewind and look at the books

know: 00:41:20

again that I held up and showed you, right? There's a treasure

know: 00:41:22

trove here of learning more about Pat's work, internal

know: 00:41:26

family systems. You know that Dick Schwartz, you know, came up

know: 00:41:28

with. Although some people say somebody before him came up with

know: 00:41:31

some ideas, and on and on. And that's true. Do your homework.

know: 00:41:34

Credit the original sources. Know where things come from.

know: 00:41:37

Okay. So the last thing I wanted to say about all of this, and

know: 00:41:40

this also is like a bedtime story. Is there was a an old

know: 00:41:44

little cartoon or meme? It came out in like I think the first I

know: 00:41:48

tried to do the research. The earliest version of it I could

know: 00:41:51

find came from 2022 from a video creator or whatever. The name I

know: 00:41:58

had the name written down. I can't find it now, but it has

know: 00:42:03

since been morphed a million times. So tons of people have

know: 00:42:07

taken what's the word, made it their own, and they say that

know: 00:42:12

they created it. So I'm not even going to name all those people,

know: 00:42:15

but here's the gist of it. There's this little cartoon of a

know: 00:42:19

little person in bed, and this is that pot, like these younger

know: 00:42:24

pots of us that need our attention. And I'm telling you

know: 00:42:26

this is because I say this to myself at night now. So there's

know: 00:42:29

a couple of things I do in my nighttime ritual. Whatever, I'm

know: 00:42:33

not going to share them all with you because my nighttime ritual

know: 00:42:36

isn't your nighttime ritual. Maybe you have a bedtime ritual,

know: 00:42:39

nighttime ritual. Maybe you don't. But I also say this to

myself: 00:42:42

If I wake up in the middle of the night to put

myself: 00:42:45

myself back to sleep, right? So this idea of like tucking

myself: 00:42:49

yourself in, right? So when I was a little kid, right, my mom

myself: 00:42:54

would always like tuck us in. When she would, you know, she

myself: 00:42:56

was out at night.

myself: 00:42:57

When she came home, she'd come into our rooms, make sure we

myself: 00:42:59

were tucked in. But when we were little, she would like tuck us

myself: 00:43:02

in at night a lot of times, right? And I loved, like I

myself: 00:43:05

loved. Maybe you're like me, I don't know, but I loved getting

myself: 00:43:09

tucked in at night. And I remember being in my 20s, and

myself: 00:43:14

one night I slept at my boyfriend's house, and he still

myself: 00:43:16

at the time lived at home, and I loved his parents. They were

myself: 00:43:18

wicked cool, and we were like going to bed, and she came in,

myself: 00:43:23

and she's like, "I'm gonna tuck you in, like kind of joking. And

myself: 00:43:27

I was like, "Yes, like do it. I was so excited to have a mom

myself: 00:43:32

tuck me into bed because look, I didn't get enough. For me, I was

myself: 00:43:34

like, didn't get enough of it, and I'm sure I would have

myself: 00:43:37

outgrown it at some point. But I was still young enough at the

myself: 00:43:40

time that I kind of loved getting tucked in when I was a

myself: 00:43:43

kid. Okay, so imagine this little little character, right?

myself: 00:43:46

This little cartoon character is like tucked into bed. Okay, and

myself: 00:43:50

you've probably seen this or heard this, but this is what

myself: 00:43:52

this little character says to themselves. They say this,

myself: 00:43:55

right? Here's a little video. It goes, "Good night to me. I love

myself: 00:43:59

myself so much. I mean the world to me. And then this little

myself: 00:44:04

character kisses its own palm, and then it touches its own

myself: 00:44:08

forehead, giving himself, itself, herself a little

myself: 00:44:12

forehead kiss. When I saw this, I was like, "Oh my God! Like one

myself: 00:44:17

of my exiles just got like so happy. Some little part of me

myself: 00:44:20

was like, "I love that. So I say that now to myself. Good night

myself: 00:44:25

to me. I love myself so much. I mean the world to me. And I kiss

myself: 00:44:29

my hand, and then I tap my forehead. Right. I give myself a

myself: 00:44:34

forehead kiss. I know it sounds kooky. It sounds weird.

myself: 00:44:38

Whatever. My sweetie knows who we married. He doesn't care, but

myself: 00:44:41

I do this, and I say it to myself. Good night to me. I love

myself: 00:44:45

myself so much. I mean the world to me. So I'm reassuring those

myself: 00:44:49

younger parts of me that didn't get enough tenderness, didn't

myself: 00:44:53

get enough mercy, didn't get enough. What's the word I'm

myself: 00:44:57

looking for? Compassion, maybe right, and. Remind myself,

myself: 00:45:01

right? I tell those younger parts of me, like I've got you,

myself: 00:45:05

capital S self, 50-seven year old me, right? We're still here.

myself: 00:45:09

I got some tools in my toolkit. I got a lot of love in my life,

myself: 00:45:12

and I've got you now. You don't have to be so afraid. And

myself: 00:45:16

there's so many processes, right? So many, what's the word

myself: 00:45:20

I'm looking for? Different strategies and ways that

myself: 00:45:24

different therapists can approach this IFS stuff and how

myself: 00:45:26

they how they do it. But this is again like a sip sip for you to

myself: 00:45:31

know that there's ways for us to kind of like I always say we

myself: 00:45:34

can't go back in time, right? You can't build a better past,

myself: 00:45:37

as they say in a lot of recovery programs. But what we can do is

myself: 00:45:41

we can let the younger parts of us know about the present now

myself: 00:45:46

and the self that is leading, right? That self leadership, and

myself: 00:45:49

we want to lead from those 8c's We want to lead from that place

myself: 00:45:52

of love, right? Because all of these broken off pots, these

myself: 00:45:56

exile pots, the pots of us that are running around trying to

myself: 00:45:59

avoid and prevent and control and react to any perceived

myself: 00:46:02

threats. That is so exhausting. It is so much on our nervous

myself: 00:46:05

systems, and that's part of what we're trying to do here. Is

myself: 00:46:08

we're trying to help the nervous system to experience more

myself: 00:46:12

safety. So, I hope this has been helpful to you in some way,

myself: 00:46:17

right? Maybe you'll use these talking to your youngest self,

myself: 00:46:21

things you know, like I've got you and reassuring yourself, or

myself: 00:46:25

good night to you. I love myself so much. I mean the world to me.

myself: 00:46:28

Give yourself a little kiss. Teach these to your children. I

myself: 00:46:34

don't know. However, hopefully it's going to be helpful to you

myself: 00:46:36

in some way. But just thank you so much, you guys, for tuning

myself: 00:46:39

in.

myself: 00:46:40

And like this is the kind of stuff I talk about in the Nest

myself: 00:46:43

all the time. So I have a a spiritual mentoring group

myself: 00:46:46

program and community, the Nest. It's a small little community of

myself: 00:46:50

brilliant and lovely and wonderful human beings, and it's

myself: 00:46:54

always open. It's like 50 bucks a month. You come in. We have

myself: 00:46:57

two calls a month over Zoom on Wednesday nights, by bi monthly,

myself: 00:47:01

bi weekly. You know, so every other week. It's a fantastic

myself: 00:47:05

group. I've been running it since 2020, so it's been around

myself: 00:47:07

for like six years. So, if you want to find out about any of

myself: 00:47:10

the ways that I work with people in coaching, in mentoring, group

myself: 00:47:14

or individual one to one, you want to find out about Thai yoga

myself: 00:47:18

massage, right? Thai yoga body work, the things that I do,

myself: 00:47:22

right? My yoga class is always sold out. That's why I don't

myself: 00:47:25

even promote it because the same people just keep coming back. So

myself: 00:47:29

that little community is amazing and awesome too. But you can

myself: 00:47:32

just find everything on Karen kenney.com Just go up to the

myself: 00:47:35

heada. You'll see everything. You'll see Write Club. You'll

myself: 00:47:38

see Thai Yoga Body Work. Excuse me. You'll see the podcast,

myself: 00:47:41

yoga, whatever. That's how you can find me. So just thank you

myself: 00:47:44

so much for tuning in. I think this has been a long one. I did

myself: 00:47:46

not mean for this to be a long one, but here we are. And I just

myself: 00:47:50

hope you have a fantastic rest of your day. Thank you for

myself: 00:47:52

spending a little bit of your time with me, me and all my

myself: 00:47:56

pots. We see you and recognize all your pots. And the last

myself: 00:47:59

thing I'll say too is, it can be really fun to name your parts. I

myself: 00:48:03

sometimes will jokingly say, if I have a friend who I I play

myself: 00:48:07

this game with my friends where we like name some of their

myself: 00:48:11

parts. So if I know the name of some of your parts, sometimes

myself: 00:48:14

I'll jokingly say like, hey, jokingly I'll say hey, whatever

myself: 00:48:17

the name of the pot is. Let's just say if I was doing it to

myself: 00:48:20

myself, I'd be like, "Hey, Vicky, you know, when you see

myself: 00:48:22

Karen, tell her I want to talk to her because I can tell that I

myself: 00:48:27

have been overtaken by one of the one of my protective paths,

myself: 00:48:31

you know. And I'm like, "Hey, what's really going on in there?

myself: 00:48:33

And I talk to myself, and there's a whole process for

myself: 00:48:36

doing this. There's a whole process for talking to your

myself: 00:48:38

youngest self, how to meet your younger self, some questions you

myself: 00:48:41

might ask, right? But just really think of it very simply.

myself: 00:48:45

If you were meeting a frightened child or a frightened animal,

myself: 00:48:49

how would you approach them? My sense is you would be gentle,

myself: 00:48:52

you would be kind and compassionate, you'd be curious,

myself: 00:48:55

you'd ask questions, you'd listen deeply, you'd reassure

myself: 00:48:58

them, you'd love them, you'd let them know they're not alone,

myself: 00:49:01

etc. etc. You know how to love people, right? Most of us know

myself: 00:49:05

how to do it. It's just we have to be willing to put in the time

myself: 00:49:09

and the energy to do it well. Okay, you guys, I love you.

myself: 00:49:12

Wherever you go, may you leave the people, the animals, the

myself: 00:49:17

other pots you meet, the planet, and the environment better than

myself: 00:49:21

how you found it. Wherever you go, may you and your energy and

myself: 00:49:26

your attitude and your presence and your love and your capital S

myself: 00:49:30

self be a blessing. Bye. Hey, thanks so much for listening to

myself: 00:49:35

the show. I really love spending some time together. Now, if you

myself: 00:49:39

dig the show or know someone that could benefit from this

myself: 00:49:42

episode, please share it with them and help me to spread the

myself: 00:49:46

good word and the love. And if you want to be in the know about

myself: 00:49:50

all of my upcoming shenanigans, head on over to

myself: 00:49:53

karenkenney.com/signup and join my list. It'll be wicked fun to

myself: 00:49:59

see. Stay in touch. Bye.