The Art of Apology

Karen Kenney: 00:00:02

Welcome to the Karen K show. I hope you're having an awesome day. My day is off to a fantastic start. I get up I did my DSP, my daily spiritual practice. I went to hot yoga, I ran into some people, I knew some old yoga students of mine. I got some errands done, I paid some bills I wrote, I wrote this morning, I got some work done on my book, my memoir, guys, I'm just having a fantastic day. So I hope I hope that you are having one too. Okay, this episode is so important. I have so many thoughts about it, like I made, I made some notes, you'll see I just held up a piece of paper with all my scribbling on it, I made some notes. Because when I'm talking about shit, I mean, every show I do really matters to me. But some it is wicked important, because I know they're going to be really helpful. And a lot of times too, I want to say this to be wicked clear to those of you who know me, well who are loyal listeners, thank you so much, first of all, for being a loyal listener. But you've heard me say before that every show that I do, it's also for my ears. It's not like I'm sitting up on some mountaintop, like some you know, like, Oh, I've got it all figured out. Everything I share here on the show, is with the desire to to spread more love in the world, and to help to help end suffering to help end suffering in some way in some shape, way or form for both humans and animals. And the way that I help create less suffering for animals is often by helping people first because animals don't have a voice. So when we help humans to get more in touch with their love, instead of their fear. They tend to make better decisions, more compassionate choices and take more aligned action. So if you're new here, I'm just trying to say, Yeah, I know a lot. I know a lot about some of the things I talk about. And I'm still learning and growing as well. So thank you for joining me on this journey of being human. I love being human together. Okay, I'm gonna call this one, the art of apology, the art of apology, because I do believe that apologizing is an art form. I think it's a skill set and an art form. And I think a lot of people look at I love people, but sometimes we suck. We just absolutely suck at apologizing. And let me say this too. Not all people are willing to apologize. Like there are some family cultures, some family dynamic, some families, where they just thrive on holding grudges, they just love sitting in their own shitty diapers of grievances. And they don't actually want to heal the relationship or the situation they like get something from, you know, withholding their love, being stingy with their love, and being stingy with their apologies, I just don't get it. I just think the world works better. And it just feels better to be here when we are willing to own our shit. So let's talk about this. I've got a bit, I got a list here, I got a list here. And of course, I'll weave some stories in as well. But I want to go back to something I just said. One of the number one things about the art of apology is first and foremost, you have to be slowed down enough to recognize that you did something. And so often when people flub up, when people screw up, fuck up, get it wrong, do whatever. We are often moving too fast. And I was talking to my I was talking to some of my clients one days today, a couple of days ago about how so often the mistakes that we make physically the mistakes that we make with our big fat mouths, the mistakes that we make mentally it's because we are moving too fast. So number one, like let's go preventative before we go to repair and maintenance preventative. If you want to not make the kinds of errors in your human relationships that you then later have to apologize for. Slow the clock down. Just slow down, slow down your thinking. slow down how fast the words that you think leave your leave your mouth. Just slow things down. Right take your time. You know one of the first books I give to my spiritual mentoring clients. That's the title take your time. It saves us a lot of drama and trauma and headache. When we just slow down enough that we can first of all I'll be be aware of what we're thinking what we're saying and what we're doing that is preventative. Okay? That's like step zero. Okay? Number two, or number one or whatever, right? Okay, here's the thing, a lot of times when we know or like, let's say you are conscious enough, awake enough, aware enough to recognize that you did misspeak, you were unkind you were not at your best. And you Saturday did something, right? And you're like, oh, like your heart gets a little like mine. Right? Like, oh, I blew that one. And, you know, I know people. It's so funny. I know so many people who spend so much time and energy, like re playing things in their head that they said they did double Amen hands if you can relate to this, right? How many of you out there just like ruminate and replay and go over things that you said not only like three days ago at the luncheon or whatever, but like five years ago, like you're still just like, Oh my God. And that's again, one of the reasons why when we slow down enough to be aware of what we're thinking and what we're feeling, because so often also, we say and do stupid shit because we feel triggered, right? Our own wounds get get like, you know, you know, it's like when you have a booboo and somebody presses on it, right? Our own wounds, like come bubbling up in relationships. And that's the beautiful thing about relationships, it can be an incredible opportunity for stuff to be healed, right when two people joined together as whole people, right whole people not trying to complete one another. But they show up with their stuff. We all have our stuff, right from our history, from our childhoods, from the stuff that went on. But we're aware of it enough to like recognize, like, Oh, I just got triggered like something, I'm feeling really sensitive about this, or I'm feeling extra sensitive. I'm a really sensitive person. I'm sure many of you listening. Also, I think we're all sensitive. I think we're all sensitive. But I think those of us, we can learn to have a little bit more like tougher skin in a way. But I'm going to be I'm going to be wicked sensitive to the idea. I think it's one of my superpowers. But I've also had to recognize when I was feeling extra sensitive, and and you know, women and ladies, those of you who have had a cycle who menstruate whatever. We know that chemically when our hormones are shifting, and I'm not making excuses for like bad behavior when your PMS and or whatever, but it's a real thing, right? So we all have times in life, whether it's physical, emotional, biochemical, whatever, when we're feeling a little more sensitive, okay, I just wanted to say that. But here's the thing. So recognizing that we've done something wrong. And then this is a big one, being willing, being willing to apologize, like recognize, like, oh, yeah, I screwed up. And then being willing to be the one to be proactive. And to make the apology, a lot of times we wait for other people, who are the ones who got their feelings hurt, or the ones who were who got hurt in some shape, way or form. You know, a lot of times it's like, well, I don't want to bring this up, right? Like, I don't want to, I don't want to like throw myself under the bus. I'll just wait. I'll just wait to so Insell comes to me and says, hey, whatever that was, wasn't cool or whatever, right?

Karen Kenney: 00:08:26

Trust me when I tell you people, trust me when I tell you, it goes a wicked far away. Okay, when you show in your relationship, in a way awareness, a level of awareness that you're like, Ah, I recognize I did something wrong. And I'm gonna go first I'm going to be the bigger person or this just the heart centered person or the aware person or whatever, that is willing. There. Right? That is willing to be vulnerable. And to feel those feelings that does it. Look, it's not always fun, right? Apologizing means you have to admit to yourself and then to another person, that you're screwed up. Right? Okay. So be willing to apologize when you recognize that you did something wrong and be proactive take take the like, extend the olive branch be the first one to say something. Okay? When you get in the situation, right? Whether you're on the phone, don't do Okay, seriously, please do not apologize by text. If it's something really like, if it's something like hey, I'm running five minutes late. I'm so sorry. That's one thing. But guys, come on. We know in this day and age, don't we that there are certain things that require a conversation, whether that's on the phone or over zoom? or face to face like actually in person, there are certain things you don't just shoot off a text and say like, Hey, sorry. It's like no man. Be a mature Spiritual, you know, a spiritually mature adult, be an emotionally mature adult and be the kind of person that cares enough about another person to face them and face up to what you did. Okay? All right, when you do get in, in a situation, and this is why this is why I'm saying try to do it face to face or over the phone or zoom or whatever, when it's that big when it when it really matters, okay? Because I want you to listen deeply. When you go to make your apology, and you're in the presence or with somehow another person, your job is to listen and to listen deeply to try to understand you are not there to defend yourself, you are there to listen to their experience to hear how that affected them. How like cause and effect, okay, it's simple science, cause I'm just like, I'm making it I'm like making a little this was my hand cause and then my other hand effect, they are linked. It is simple science, right? That, to me is what karma is to, it's just simply cause and effect. Okay? So here's the thing. When the time comes, do your best to not get defensive. Because the brain does this things when it feels confronted where it naturally wants to defend itself, it feels like it has to defend itself. So you have to become aware enough to recognize like, Okay, so there's a few things you can do, right? Take a couple of good deep breaths, let your nervous system know like big breath in through the nose, extra long exhale out through the mouth. Give your nervous system a chance to know it's not going to die, that you are safe. It's okay to admit that you're not perfect. It's okay to admit, hey, I made a mistake. Right? You're gonna be okay. So whatever tools you use bilateral stimulation, or tapping or physiological sigh or some breath work or some somatic work, right, whatever, do some yoga postures, say some prayers, meditate for a few minutes, but like get yourself right. Get yourself right. So get yourself connected to the part of yourself. That is in communion with your highest self, with God with source with love with the divine with your spiritual team, whatever you want to call it, right? Get yourself online, the assignment is alignment, to get your mind in your heart right before you start talking. So that you don't go in there when you dukes up, I'm like holding my fist up right by my face and a BA Don't go in there dukes up. If you're going to apologize. Recognize that you might have to hear how what you did or sad, affected the other person. And it's really important for them to feel heard. And for you to not sitting there. Just waiting to respond to just like, listen, like listen. And then when you think you've listened, listen some more. Right open minded, open it open handed, open hearted. Okay. These are just the things that I have found helpful over the years, because I have done some probably. No, no, I mean, for certain not probably I was going to say something else. I have certainly done some apologies, like back in the day that were very flippant, that were too casual to casual and flippant about another person's feelings. And I'll talk about that that in a second. Or maybe I'll just talk about it now. Okay. I think and especially New England kids, right? I can't speak for everybody everywhere. But I think New England kids, we bust balls for a living, right? We can be so sarcastic, we can be a little hardcore, right with the way that we relate and talk to each other. And God forbid, you're a sensitive kid. Because people will say things and then you'll like you know, your hackles will go up a little bit or your feelings will will be hurt. Or you'll feel hurt, right? We have to take responsibility for our own feelings, but will will feel hurt. And then you know, if you say anything, or if you you know, draw back or anything, people will be like, come on, you know, I love you. And I'm like, Oh, do I know that you love me? By the way, you just fucking talk to me and the way that you just treated me and that thing you just did. I'm supposed to somehow just know that you love me when you're acting like an asshole. I mean, so it's like, hey, we can be a little too damn flippant and casual with other people's feelings. So, you know, when we go to apologize, you got to do it from a place where you are listening again to understand not to defend. Okay. Don't do tit for tat. Don't do tip for tat. Okay. The other thing I want to say is I've received some really shitty apologies also. So I know what that's like. And I have heard a and received and I think I have given some sincere and good apologies not saying I'm the best in the world at it. I'm always trying to get better. Hence also this episode, remember for my ears to, okay. Don't tit for tat. Okay, a lot of times, and again double Amen hands people who have ever been in any kind of relationship friendship, sexual marriage, dating, otherwise siblings, family, whatever, okay? You can get a little too lost in the unimportant details when you're insisting on tidying and tatting. Okay. So you don't come out and say, Well, I'm sorry, I did this. But you. Yeah, a really genuine and sincere apology does not have the word but in it. We just leave the butts out of it. Leave the butt out of the apology. Don't tip for tat. Own what you did, okay. And here's the thing, because when you start to go, Yeah, but you did this. Yeah, I might have done that. But you did this. And what happens is, you end up just kind of spitballing back and forth. You're just ping ponging back and forth, all these little grievances and all these little details that have nothing often to do with the main offense, the thing that actually went wrong, the thing that you're really apologizing for. So keep it clean, keep it clear. If something else comes up, it's like, let's talk about that after this. But do not tit for tat and ping pong. Or try to justify your behavior, because the other person who you're supposedly apologizing for, because that's like going in and saying, Yeah, I'll do my part. I'll log like, do the apology. But just know that like, you've screwed up to just know that you're a little fucker sometimes too, right? Like, you know what I mean? Like, that's not the act of apology. That's the act of protecting your ego. And our aim here, I'm goal here is to return to love. And we're not going to get there by insisting on doing it through fear.

Karen Kenney: 00:17:13

Using using fear tactics, okay. Okay. When you are apologizing, when you are doing the art of apology, it's about them. It's about how they felt. And this is why listening closely and intently is important. Because it will be uncomfortable, to have to sit there sometimes and hear what you caused, meaning your behavior. Like, look, everybody is responsible for their own feelings. So let me put it this way. I'm gonna do a whole episode, I think on anger and feelings and stuff like that. But when people say to me, you hurt my feelings. It's like, No, I don't you. Let me put it this way. You made me feel you made me feel bad. You made me I'm like, nobody makes anybody anything. Unless we are I'm not talking about. Again, there's always these exceptions where somebody can physically grab you and make you do things. But as adults, we tend to have agency autonomy authority over our own actions and our own internal world, okay? So nobody can make me feel bad. I can choose to interpret what they're saying. And assign meaning to it in a way that I then feel bad. You are responsible for the way that you speak to me or another person, you are responsible for the way that you're choosing to put your words in what order and what if you're being sarcastic, or if you're intentionally trying to be cruel or brutal or mean or whatever, okay, but you don't make me anything, I get to decide what I want to do with whatever is coming out of your mouth. I think that part of responsibility on both on both sides is important to just recognize before we go any any farther. Okay? When you go to apologize, it's about them and how they feel. So it's not about you and your guilt and your shame. It's not about you just blabbering on and on and on about yourself. And I'm so sorry. And I wish I hadn't. I'm a little a little more real. Now. It's like, make your apology, make your apology. And also an out you know, so in our when we get towards the end of this, I'll try to maybe demonstrate what a what a solid good apology might sound like. Okay, so it's about them. And how what you chose to do right was what the effect your cause and their effect. You are now listening for their effect. Okay, so don't make it about yourself. Okay. Number four, this is so wicked important. Please, please, please do not apologize. If you're not actually sorry. Don't apologize at a guild data show. A matter like, oh, I don't want to feel that. Please be sincere when you go to apologize, apologize because you recognize that you blew it, that you are unkind that you were impatient that you were sure that you lied that you stole that you cheat and you did. When the time comes, be sincere. Has anybody ever said to you, Well, I'm sorry, you feel that way? I'm sorry. You took it that way. I'm sorry that you data data data. I'm sorry that you misunderstood me. I'm sorry that you didn't like my tone of voice. That's not an apology. That's bullshit. That's just defensiveness masked as I'm saying the words I'm sorry, but that is not an apology, not even close. So don't even try it. Don't even try it. Okay, be genuine, be sincere. If the other person cannot feel your in sometimes luck. Sometimes people say they want an apology, but they're not quite ready to receive it yet. But here's the thing, your job is to you can't control what the other how the other person is going to react or respond. But you are responsible for the way that you are showing up in your art of apology. So please be sincere. Okay, here's another one. Don't in this. I'm not I'm trying to give you a list. I'm not wagging my finger at you. Let me be really clear. Okay. Don't rush people into forgiveness. So what can happen a lot I know this has been true for me, we flub up, we make a mistake. And we're just like, ah, like when it occurs to us, or when somebody else says, Hey, that was kind of uncool what you just did or whatever, right? It's literally like, I'm melting. I'm melting, like, you feel so awful. And you can just feel you feel that shame, right? You feel that shame starting to want to take over. And it's like, oh my god, this is so awful. I don't want to feel this way. I just want to hurry up and apologize so that I can rid myself of this burden of feeling like this. So we say we're sorry. And then say we want to hurry up the other person's process. Just tell me that you forgive me, you forgive me, right? Like I'm forgiving. Like, it's okay. Like, sometimes we are going to have to sit with a longer emotional wave than we would prefer. Because when we are clumsy, or wicked, clumsy or extra clumsy, and we've done something I'm not talking about, like, you know, you didn't hold the door for somebody or you forgot to, you know, put the toilet seat I'm talking about true true trespasses true transgressions, right. Sometimes we might have to sit with the process of self forgiveness. While they're about the business of deciding whether or not they want to forgive you, your job becomes trying to forgive yourself. And let me say this, it's way easier to forgive yourself. When you do an apology that is heartfelt, that is sincere, and where you're taking accountability. And we're going to get into that in a moment. And we'll I'm going to do a whole episode on forgiveness. But if you know that you're full of shit, and that you didn't really own what you did, and you're not really doing a good apology, and you're just kind of trying to, again, make it all about yourself. It's because you're not really actually sorry, you just don't want to feel shitty anymore, and you want things to go back to normal. And whether that's I want that person to start having sex with me again, I want that person to, to, you know, give me the gig or invite me to the like, whatever the thing is, right? We're not We're not giving to get, right, we're not giving to get that's not the intention, we might have to sit with things for a little bit. And he has another truth to buckle up for safety on this one. Sometimes people will not want to forgive you. There might be some things that get done in this world where there's going to be no amount of amends, atonement, reparations, reconciliation, it's just reconciliation is not going to happen. And that's just a reality with humans and with relationships sometimes. So hopefully, you know, we don't do things that take it to such an extreme, but sometimes we do and we all have and I know that I have in my life too. I know that there's a few people out there who can't fucking stand me. wasn't always at my best didn't always make the best decisions. And I've had to make peace with the earlier and younger versions of myself. Right. And I have and I have so but sometimes, you know, forgiveness is not going to be forthcoming or indefinitely, not on a schedule that makes you feel super calm. Don't be about it. Okay. Here's another thing. Don't make excuses for what you did. Don't say, I know I did this but it's because I was tired. I know I did this it was because I was drunk. I know I did this but but but but but but remember, leave the butts, leave the butts, here's a second way of saying leave the but after the apology, even though there might be a reason why that is not the time, right to just brush it under the cap because it makes it sound like when you make an excuse it, it's it's your way of not taking responsibility for what you did. And this is what the next thing is in the art of apology is to take accountability, account for your ability for fucking things up. Okay? Take accountability, also account for your ability to make things right. But you got to own your part, you have got to take responsibility for the thing that you said or that you did or that you didn't do or whatever. It goes a long way. When somebody is hearing that. You you are owning what you did that you're aware that what you did was not helpful, good, cool that it was wrong. All those things. It's really really, really important.

Karen Kenney: 00:26:15

Okay. Apologizing with your words, is just the beginning. Apologies are just the start of the healing process. Okay, because it's one thing to say you're sorry. It's another thing to fix what you did. So, there's a wonderful um, the first time I heard this term, corrective actions was from a woman who I just think is so fantastic. I mean, I don't know her personally, but I should say her books and her work her body of work. Her name is Harriet Lerner, l e i n er How Harriet Lerner. And she's a super duper smarty pants, especially when it comes to things like anger, relationships, apologizing, forgiveness, all that stuff, right? She's written a bunch of books. One of them is right here. This is a great one called Why won't you apologize? Harriet Lerner, healing big betrayals and everyday hurts. I recommend this book to a lot of people. Why won't you apologize? I just held up the book PS by the way for those of you listening. Okay, so she uses the word corrective action. So a lot of times, we're just like what I said, I'm sorry. I'm like, Yeah, but if you broke the vase, did you try to replace it? If you stole the money, did you give the money back? Did you go beyond just words and actually take actions to make reparation reparations, to make amends to have your apology come to life, and not just with words that flowed out into the ether. It's wonderful if somebody receives your apology in their hat in their mind, right? That's beautiful. But you know, it also is beautiful when you take the steps to make corrective actions and to show like Yeah, I know that I ruined your shirt. I know that I didn't show up to your event to your play. I know I didn't follow through so you know what you do? You start following through you basically prove through your actions that you're actually sincerely sorry by not repeating it again, by fixing what you can and look there are going to be some things you know, I dated somebody for a while once that had a had somebody else in the family who accidentally accidentally wasn't looking or move too fast or did whatever backing up their truck leaving leaving the driveway and the people's house he was leaving the other family members house he was leaving their old dog really old dog doesn't make a peep of sleeping underneath his truck and it's just so fucking awful. I can't even imagine like it just makes me like want to burst into tears even telling the story. But you know, there are certain things that we do. And you can't like you can't fix that. And whether or not somebody wants to forgive you and obviously like, just be like, because let me put it like this. There have been times when an accident has happened something awful has happened. And the person who did the offense or made the mistake or whatever, you know them well enough to know in their heart of hearts. They are horrified by what happened. Right? They would never mean to do it. You You always say like you There was a quote that I said one time, okay, this is what this is what just came back to me, thank you so much for your team on the job. People who really know you can see you at your worst and not think the worst of you. And I've had people in my life who have maybe seen me do something maybe at my worst, and they still didn't think the worst of me. And sometimes we might do things in life that we can't take back. Their, you can't, you know what I'm saying? And I think about I think about people who, you know, who have killed people driving drunk. I just think about like, there are so many ways in this life, like people who have affairs or cheat on their partners, and those partners never trust them again, or, you know, you embezzle or you like, whatever. There's 1001 ways that we hurt each other on this planet because people be peopling and I mean, I think what I just want to say is do what you can though, if you recognize that you did something and you can fix it, you can heal it, you can make it better, you can replace it or whatever. Move beyond the words, get your ass in gear and get into action corrective action. Okay, communicate with not just your words and repeating this, again, communicate your apology with not just your words, but with your actions and do better next time. Don't just say, I'm gonna do better next time, actually do better next time, because that's how we know that you really mean it. You feel I'm what I'm saying you're picking up what I'm putting down. Okay, so here's the thing, I think that let me try, let me try to put some of these things into action, I'm just gonna try to do this off the top of my head. Okay. So let's say I did something to somebody, and it was uncool. And it's not some major thing, like I didn't, you know, steal money from them, whatever. But I just I screwed up, I made a mistake. First of all, I have to recognize I made the mistake, then I have to be willing to apologize and own what I did. And when I show up and talk to them, I'm not going to make it about me, I am going to own my pot, but I'm not going to make it about me, it's going to be about them. And once I once I say once I start to start to say the words of my apology, I'm going to listen deeply, and I'm not going to get defensive, right? Because it's about them and how they felt at the expense of my actions, or my lack of action, or my lack of awareness or whatever. So when I say to them, I will probably say I'm so sorry for what I did. I'm so sorry, that I let you down. You mean so much to me. And I wish if I you know if I could go back and do it differently, I would have I'm really sorry that I did X, Y and Z, like lay it out that you get you get what you did and how it affected them. And sometimes you might not understand the full scope. And then that's when you want to listen. They might say yeah, but it wasn't just that, it's that that created this or then this happened. And then you have to kind of listen, you have to listen to their point of view and what happened. You know, and you say, I'm so sorry, that that I that I that I did these things and that it hurt you it was not my intention, and I'm really going to do better. You know, next time in fact, I'm going to make sure to and again, corrective actions if you can, but really like listening, being present, not tit for tat thing, not saying but right, really trying to connect with them really trying to repair the rift that has come between you right, to show up with the intention of healing with love and stead of the knot causing like more wound you know, to the thing. And you know, there was one time when somebody in my family tried to sit me down to apologize for something and they did it and I write about this in my book right I'm gonna give you a SIP SIP version, Linda Thai, Linda, little sip SIP as Linda J says version of this. I'm not gonna I'm not going to give you the whole 40 ounce guzzler. I'm holding my water bottle right now. I'm not going to give you the whole Morganza Gaza. But mistake number one was just kind of like ambushing me calling me out of the blue after like a gazillion friggin years. I never heard it. So immediately. I'm suspicious immediately. I'm suspicious, but I appreciate I'm like, okay, whatever they want to, you know, go get some food. But they do they, they insist on a public place. So we're in a public place immediately. We're in a public place, which means I'm not going to have enough time right? What if the conversation goes longer? I know what it's like I was a server and a bartender forever. I know what it's like to be. It'd be being wasted All right, it's like they want to turn that table over. So here's the thing. Oh, I get it. So this conversation is only going to take as long as this busy, Dinah, right has time to do it, we're going to do it in a public place, which means we're not going to raise our voices or quote unquote, like, I'm gonna have to appropriately respond the way that you want me to. So I don't make a scene or whatever you think is gonna happen, right? So I can just see oh, this is everything that happened that day, everything that happened that morning. The the pseudo apology, the pseudo I'm sorry, the book, it was just literally it was just excuse after excuse after excuse, it was designed for that person to feel better about the shit that they did. It had nothing to do with actually apologizing to me. And I've seen this done. I've been on the receiving end of it, you know, I'm sure I have done it in my own form. And way I hope not recently, Jesus Christ, I hope, I hope not recently, I really tried to be more mindful that. And I always say if I have, if I have heard somebody, it's not it's not intentional, it is never intentional. We're all clumsy sometimes.

Karen Kenney: 00:36:13

But you know, you can tell when somebody is genuinely sorry. When somebody genuinely cares about you. And when somebody's meant to love you. We often don't mean to hurt each other. But how great would it be if we actually meant to love each other? You know, and I think that that's just so important. And I'll never forget, and I think I mentioned this on a episode not not long ago, when my spiritual godmother and my mentor Marianne Williamson said, she told me a story one time about a friend that had betrayed her. And when they were talking about it, she said to them, the woman kept saying, Well, I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to hurt you. That's a shitty apology right there. I didn't mean to hurt you. Right. And when you say when it said like that, I mean, you can say my intention was never to hurt you. But I can see why I did and how that happened. And I can only imagine how that must have felt. You want to tell me how that felt? Like, you know what I'm saying? But I'm saying when you say that flippantly Well, I didn't mean to hurt you. Right. And Maryann said back. Well, you didn't mean to love me either. So I love that line. And I think that to myself, I want to love on purpose. I want to mean to love somebody, I want to mean to love people and each other. Okay, so I also want to share something because I can't, I can't let this go. Because this is so great. This is such a great line again from Harriet Lerner. I'm holding up one of her books, I have many but this one is called, why won't you apologize? And there's, there's a quote that I love. Because here's the other thing. If we think if we sit around and wait for people, especially in our families of origin, to apologize to us, we just might be will be mummified will be like dead and gone. But right, you know what I mean? Like, there. It's not like people, especially New England, kids, New England family, kids, not all not all, but a lot of them. It's not like people are lining up to own their shit and apologize for what they did. Because they think you should just suck it up and stuff it down. They think you should just fucking get a quote air quotes right now get over it already. Right? You know, I didn't mean it. You know, it's just how he is. So all these bullshit things for not having to take responsibility for the human being that you are being. Okay. So when the if I had had, if I had had this information, before this crappy apology that I had received from this family member, it would have really helped me because one of the other things that Harriet talks about is reduce your expectations to zero. Just reduce your expectations to zero because so many people, like they're not ever going to apologize. And if they do, they're going to do it really in a shitty way. It's not going to be satisfactory. It's not going to feel good. I will tell you that the person that tried to apologize to me I have no doubt they went home thinking that oh, they were so great. I just wipe their hands of it right. Oh, I did my part. I apologize. It's like bullshit. Bullshit. Okay, but here's the thing. Listen to this quote from Harriet Lerner. I'm going to repeat this sucker twice already. No, I'm gonna repeat it twice because it's so good. He had this. The family members who have seriously harmed you are the least likely to ever apologize. Their shame leads to denial and self deception that overrides their ability to orient to reality All right, I mean, oh man, this is some this is some double Amen hands. stuff right here, let me say it again, the family members who have seriously harmed you are the least likely to ever apologize. Their shame leads to denial and self deception, that over rides their ability to orient to reality. So what this is saying, I don't I'm not saying everybody needs me to break it down this way. But I think it's important to make sure we all understand what's being said here is that the people who have really screwed up who have really harmed you, right? They know on some level what they've done, and they are, they feel so much shame, so much guilt, because they fuckin know. Right? But their shame leads to like, it's like the like, it's like the unthought known as it's called, some part of them knows, but they're not going to let themselves own it, think about it, right, they're not going to orient themselves to the reality of what they've done. It their own shame basically makes them go into denial, who was not bad. That's not what happened. That's not what I meant. Sorry, you didn't, you didn't know what I meant. It's like they don't have the capacity because their own self love their own self esteem their own little, the platform that they stand on for themselves, I think I heard it this one way is so small, their own self regard is so small, they cannot bear to accept what they did. So they don't want to admit it. And the to apologize is to admit that you know that you've done something wrong, a true apology when you are doing the act of apology. Remember, this is a skill set, this is an art form, and we can all learn it, if we are willing, if we're actually interested in repairing damage that was done. So we have to be willing. And just know it's not like always like smooth sailing, it's kind of like, buckle up for safety. It's gonna get a little bumpy. You know, it's interesting, we had two two earthquakes here in New Hampshire, like pretty close together and last few weeks or whatever. And when the earth rumbles, you know, my sweetie, and I was standing in the, in the hallway. And he's like that another earthquake. And just it's so unsettling, right? You just feel the whole world shifting and it's unsettling. And I'm like, oh, that's kind of what it feels, excuse me feels like inside. When you know, you have to apologize. Like when you know that you've done something it is not super. So not soothing, as I say it is so not soothing. But man, what becomes possible, it is so powerful. You know, it is so powerful to be a an emotionally and spiritually mature adult, and be able to say I made a mistake. And I'm sorry. And to really mean it. To not blabber on, and on and on and on. And again, that's just you making it about you, but to really sit your ass down, get clear about what you want to say. And don't try to force their healing process. Either they're gonna forgive you or they're not. But don't try to rush their process because you're uncomfortable. That's your own work to do. You know, and I can say that in the work that I do as a spiritual mentor, as a hypnotist as a life coach, right? This, this, doing human being together as I'm helping people navigate this whole human experience in the work that I do. A lot of people, a lot of people have certain regrets. And the thing is, is we can't always apologize to everybody. Because sometimes those people have moved away, you have no way of getting in touch with them. And sometimes they are dead. But I believe we can still talk to them. I believe we can still communicate, I think all mines are joined so we can send it out. And if you listen to my last episode, right, one of the things that we can do going forward is be kinda like healing past mistakes as we go forward, being kinder and more compassionate to other people, including ourselves. So I think I'm going to end it here. And you know, here's the thing. We're all going to need to apologize because we're human, and we all make mistakes. And we are all a little bit clumsy sometimes. So knowing how to do it well. So if you know somebody who could benefit from this, maybe somebody struggling with something maybe somebody has regret or guilt or shame about a thing. And they're like gathering up the courage to own it and whatever. Like if you know that this episode would be helpful. if it was helpful to you, beautiful, that makes me so happy. And I hope you write to me and let me know how it was helpful specifically. But if you know somebody who could benefit from listening to I always say to people, if you listen to this podcast and you get something from it, you learn something from it, you feel like at the very least, it's entertaining, right? But if it teaches you something, or helps you with something that helps you navigate something that is awkward, or hard or difficult, or whatever, then I guarantee you, somebody else you love or know could benefit from it. So please help me to spread the love and the good word by sharing the show. Also, I just did a few episodes, all about the stuff, the new things that I'm offering in my work. And if you want to be up to speed on all the shenanigans that I'm up to these days, just go to my website, Karen kenney.com/sign. Up, that's one word, and you get on my list, right? And you'll just get my podcast right into your inbox every Thursday. But you also get you know, sometimes I send out things about what I'm up to sometimes I just send some little love letters from my heart to yours. It's so it can be fun to be a part of my email community.

Karen Kenney: 00:46:11

So thank you so much for listening. Okay, I also want to say this, okay, because I just read this before I go. This is something that I think I want to say this is from Harriet Lerner. It says, failing to say we're sorry for something we've done that's affected someone we love, can ultimately end up causing more damage than whatever we're apologizing for in the first place. Man, let me say that again, this just caught my eye. Failing to say we're sorry for something we've done. That affected someone we love can ultimately end up causing more damage than whatever we're apologizing for in the first place. So if you recognize you've done something, don't fail to apologize for it, all it costs you is your ego gets a little uncomfortable. That's the true cost. So it doesn't cost you anything to apologize except a little, little uncomfy, maybe a little awkwardness. But it can cost you everything. It cost you so much if you're not willing, if you're not willing to make that apology. All right, you guys, I love you. I'm so happy that we get to spend this time together. Wherever you go out there, you know, and this is the other thing. Let's go back to them. One of the very first things that I said, this is all this is all like clean up in aisle three, right? But if we choose to do our spiritual work, if we choose to slow down if we choose to be more aware and mindful of what we're thinking, our own reactions, our own traumas, our own dramas, our own triggers all if we do the work first, and we slow down and we watch our mind and our mouth and our actions like a hawk. Like I always say like be vigilant, be vigilant for who you're being for what you're saying or what you're doing, then it really mitigates not having to apologize all that often. Because you're showing up as the best version of yourself. So I would rather be proactive than have to be reactive afterwards and go like I blew it. Now I get it. We're not always going to do everything that makes everybody happy. Not saying that. But how about we do a little preventative, rather than aftercare. You know what I'm saying? So, all right, you guys have a fantastic rest of your week. Wherever you go. May you leave yourself, the animals, the planet, the place the people whoever you come in contact with. Leave them leave you leave the environment better, better than how you first found it. Wherever you go. May you being there. Be a blessing. Bye