First Go In + Then Go Out

Karen Kenney: 00:00:02

Hey, welcome to the Karen Kenny show, I am so happy that you are here. Thank you for volunteering, volunteering to spend a little time with me showing up. And, you know, just being here wanting to spend a little time together, I really superduper appreciate it. I know how busy life can be and how we often all feel like we have 1000 things to do. So the fact that you're electing to spend a little time with me with me and your ears, right? You know, I really, I really do appreciate that. So thank you for your support. Excuse me. So you might have already seen from the title, first go in and then go out. I'm going to come at this from a couple of different ways. And you might hear that, you know, my voice is a little a little more Samba or a little more dialed back than I normally am. Right. I'm normally like, you know, cracking myself up and whatever. But I gotta tell you guys the world right now. The world right now is just, it just feels like it's all on fucking fire, doesn't it? There's, there's so much there is so much. So much suffering that is happening in the world right now. And it's really normal. It's really normal, I just have to say this for people to feel a wicked lot of fear. Maybe overwhelm exhaustion, rage, despair, hopeless, and like the all the all the feelings that are coming up through our human experience. And I know that a lot of people are struggling about the amount of suffering that you may not be personally experiencing. But we are certainly witnessing. And I know that some people like to just kind of turn away and they say I can't watch this, I don't want to know, right. And every, you know, everybody's got their right to do whatever they want to do. I've been a person who, especially after what happened to my mom, you know, in the way that she was killed is that I try not to turn away from hard things, hard feelings, had emotions had situations, I try to do my best to plant my feet and call upon a strength greater than my own, and also find some internal strength. And to not turn away, I think that we have to bear witness. Bearing witness is one of the ways that we maintain our humanity, keep our humanity intact. It's how we also don't lose sight of our compassion and our empathy. And how we don't pretend like we're disconnected or we're cut off from things or we're safe from things and it's just happening out there to other people right. Now I understand sometimes we do have to take breaks, our nervous systems have to take breaks from the atrocities and the killing and the war and the murder and the you know, the innocent children and babies and old people being killed and slaughtered. And you know, just all the hatred, hatred and the racism and the division, like there's just so much I know this. And I it's important, these important that we kind of talk about it, because if we don't witness it, because this is what happens, right. And part of my work, one of the things that I discovered is that if we, if we don't witness our own suffering, then we are also more likely to not want to witness other people's suffering. And we get little blind spots to our own suffering to other people's suffering and sometimes the suffering that we ourselves might be causing. But also if we don't have compassionate witnesses in our life, this is how we develop shame. Not not telling our own stories, not being bearing witness to other people's stories, making them like like unmentionable and something and I'm going to talk a little bit about Mr. Rogers too, but something that Mr. Rogers said and I again, I might do a whole podcast on this. This is something that came from his mentor, is that he said, whatever is mentionable becomes manageable. And I think it's really important that we don't turn away from not only the things that are happening in the world, but how those things are showing Up in our own bodies, in our own, you know, our minds, our bodies, our lives. Because if all mines are joined, as we say, in spiritual, kind of spiritual traditions, right, we are all, like we talk like talk about unity and oneness and we're all one. Well, if there's one collective consciousness, we are all feeling that ripple effect. Even if a war is happening, you know, a gazillion miles away, it feels like we are all still because we are all connected. I really do believe that. So, as people have, I've been talking with my friends, and I've been, you know, of course, reading some things, trying to educate myself more. Because there's so many things that often happens in other places and other countries where there's, there's so much history, and there's so much. There's just so much heaviness, and there's so much that you might not understand being an American citizen, right. But the one thing I'm like, I don't always understand the intricacies that are happening, maybe in other countries, I don't always understand the generational traumas, the generational beliefs a generational maybe hatred, and separations and things like that. One thing we all understand is human suffering, the one thing we all know is that innocent children and babies should not be getting blown up and killed and murdered, and screaming for their parents. And, you know, it's just, I know, whatever, whatever, quote, unquote, you know, if you're on a particular side, right, whatever your beliefs are, whatever, I think the one thing we can all agree on is that innocent people being being being killed and murdered, losing their homes and being raped and all that stuff is just, it's not okay. And it's brutal, and it's tough. And that's what I want to kind of talk about today. Like when these kinds of things are happening in the world. When tragedies, sometimes it's right, like, it's like wildfires, or it's like acts of nature, or whatever. And sometimes it's humans, humans who are hell bent on killing one another. When these things happen, we can sometimes have that moment, that often happens when, you know if you've ever lived in a place where there's not a lot of light pollution. And you stand outside in a pitch black night, and you look up and you can see the vastness of the size above you. And you realize sometimes in those moments, just how fucking tiny and small you are, like how sometimes insignificant, you feel right. And there's something very humbling about that. But I don't want us to forget, in this concept of our smallness, or I'm so far away, or whatever, that we don't have power, and we don't have agency and autonomy and authority of what we can do. So I told you, I was going to mention Mr. Rogers. So I think it's a fairly well known quote at this point. But, you know, Mr. Rogers once said in an interview that when he was a little kid and scary things were happening in the world, you know, he would see things, maybe on TV, or, you know, he was, you know, just aware that things were happening. And he would get scared. And his mom would always tell him, look for the helpers. Look for the people who are doing something about it, basically, right, like, look for the helpers. And so that's going to be part of our theme today is about helping, like what can I do? Right? I have so many people right now, who were just like, completely just like almost frozen, like almost frozen. And like, it just all feels too big, too overwhelming. Right? I live in New Hampshire. I live in California, like what can I do about the Ukraine or the Middle East or Palestine or Israel, or all these things, right, that are happening all the time, all the time. I mean, if we were able to really access all of the, like, between earthquakes and you know, fires and, you know, again, wars and distraction and all of it,

Karen Kenney: 00:09:35

we would just be completely I mean, it would just be completely overwhelming. So we know how it goes when there's a news cycle, right? Whatever is whatever is probably going to get the most eyeballs the most views the most whatever, but like we you know, it's like we focus on something for a little while, and then we go to the next trauma, we go to the next tragedy, we go to the next thing, and it can be like, really, really intense. And so people are like, You know what? I do, because I think most people do feel some sort of intrinsic desire to be helpful. They want to know what can they do, they just don't know where to start. They don't know what to do. They don't know how they can help. And so their lack of knowing makes them almost paralyzed where they do nothing, or they tune out or they numb out. And they don't bear witness, they just kind of turn away or they turn their back and they think like, like, not my problem, not my thing. So I just wanted to talk about this today. And I know that this episode, might jump around a little bit, because I'm just really, I'm just coming from my hat and thinking about just coming from what's coming up as I'm talking about this. So the number one thing, right, so let's start with the title of this first go in and then go out. So here's what I always tell people. If we're seeing things in the world that we don't like, first thing you got to do is like feel your feelings, we're not here to suck it up and stuff it down anymore. Those days are over, right? We're too emotionally intelligence to believe that that should still works. Right? So first, we actually have to learn how to be with our feelings to actually feel our feelings, hopefully have a safe place with a trusted friend or a sweetie or a sibling or a family member or a support group or a therapist or a coach or a mentor or whatever it is, where you can express how you are feeling. A place where you can cry, a place where somebody maybe can just sit and listen or hold your hand where they're not trying to fix you change you blame. They just are allowing a space for you to have your feelings to move that energy, like through you and out of you in a non harming way, right? We don't want you to scream at other people, hurting animals, hurting yourself hurting anybody else, right, but a safe place where you can feel your feelings where you can talk about the things right that are happening and how, like, you know, yesterday, yesterday, I saw a video of a tiny little boy, a little Palestinian boy. I don't know what was he like three years old. And he was still like, covered in dust. He was at the hospital and he was by himself. His home had been bombed. And you could tell you could tell from his big beautiful eyes that he was in shock. And I couldn't turn away. And I watched as a doctor with blue rubber gloves on his hand. Hug the little boy close to him and he was talking to him and I could see the closed captioning like what the translation was. And he was asking a little boy, you were afraid you were afraid of the bombs in a little boy, all he could do was shake his head and then the hospital the guy from the hospital like hugged him and pulled him close and the little boy just burst into tears and I thought oh my god, like I just wanted to jump through this screen and hold that little boy so close to my heart and I went downstairs and most really was like sitting at the table having having some food and I just literally sat on the floor by his feet and I just wept and I was also playing with bungee you know, it's why I got down on the floor. So I'm not trying to make it sound all this dramatic. But I was I was on the floor and just crying. Because I know that I can't for my own well being what will what will make me not be able to be a helpful person is if I just try to stuff it all down and put on some tough act and just act like it's not happening. Right? Just like trudging forward like fucking blue collar like, you know, mass hold kid like I'm just like, whatever. Yeah, you know what? I am strong. I am tough. But pattern one of my greatest strengths is my vulnerability. And I believe that's what everybody's greatest strength is is to not walk around with shields up and you dukes up and pretending like these things are devastating and awful, because they are and never want to lose my humanity. I never want to lose my sensitivity. I was a highly sensitive kid, and I'm still a highly sensitive adult. But here's my point. First we go in first we go in, we notice how we're feeling. We jump maybe we journal maybe we speak it out loud. Maybe we do a podcast however it is we go to therapy, whatever it is we express it we feel it we're with it, we go inside you know so many People these days, it's so fascinating, we're so concerned with, Oh, I gotta get my message out there, right? Like, oh, I learned this thing, or I, I am this thing, wherever and I gotta get my message out everybody's so concerned about like getting stuff out there. And I'm like, first we got to get the message in. First, we got to get those tools that you just learned in. First we go in, is I'm looking around the world, and I'm seeing all of these things. And it's like, what do we want, right? We want more inclusivity. Right? We want less violence we want you know, it would be nice. Wouldn't it be nice to live in a non violent world? I'm gonna do a whole episode about that. Right? Wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where there was less violence where there was less racism, where there was less bigotry where there was less homophobia where there was less, or just none at all? Right, but I understand we're dealing we're dealing with humans and humans be human being and people be peopling. Right. But wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where we just fucking loved each other and accepted each other for who we are. So here's my point, we want to live in a less violent world. If we want people to stop bombing each other and hating each other and attacking each other and bullying each other. Trying to wipe each other off the planet, then we have to first go inside, we have to go in. And we have to be honest about the violence that lives within ourselves. We start with us, we become aware of our own propensity for violence, the violent way that we think the violent way that we speak the violent way that we talk to ourselves, the violent words that we use the violent way that maybe we move through the world in our bodies, the violent thoughts that we have. So we have to start by paying attention inwardly. Now this isn't about navel gazing. This isn't about well, I'm going to pretend nothing's happening over here, because I need six months to feel my feelings and, and go KK said go in. Now. I mean, yes, we go in. But it's about doing like an inventory of ourselves. Because that's how shit changes, is each person starts to take their own moral inventory, each person is fearless, and bearing witness to their own bullshit, to their own separation to their own specialness, to all the ways that they are there to all the ways that they have dropped their own kind of quote, unquote, I don't mean physical, right bombs, we have to go inside of ourselves and recognize the places where we have been violent, and we are continuing to be violent towards ourselves, animals, that planet, each other, etc. We start by cleaning up our own backyard. So first we go in. Because it's in that where we can start to take maybe some tools that we've learned. And if you haven't learned tools on how to regulate your own nervous system, if you haven't learned ways to help yourself, start to deal with and heal your own trauma. Right? This is important work. That's why I say this, this work that I do, and this is I'm not this isn't an a plug, I'm just being dead, honest. This work that I do, and helping people, right to notice their patterns to notice their habits to notice the stories they tell to notice. The way that they think about themselves in their own identity, to be able to take tools tools, to learn how to navigate this whole fucking human experience, from a place of love, instead of fear, to be able to take tools to help heal and soothe and calm our nervous system so we can move out of fight and flight so we can make better decisions. So we can turn on the sympathetic turn off the sympathetic nervous system turn on the parasympathetic nervous response of rest, relaxation, right? Because when we're being hijacked in our brain by fear, we are not making good decisions. We are not actually helpful at that point. So going in, doing the work first here with yourself is what's then going to allow us to go out

Karen Kenney: 00:19:36

to be calm. Instead of just looking for the helpers you actually become one of the helpers but we can't help anybody. If we're doing a fucking spiral. If we're overwhelmed, right, if you've got nothing to give, if you have no resources because you are tapped out because you aren't taking care of your own well being Your own mental health, your own physical health then you're not going to have anything to give, or you're going to be giving from a tapped out place, and it's not going to be your best work, you know what I mean? She'll be scraping the bottom of the barrel. So this work that I do, it's not just about working on yourself, it's about, you know, getting ourselves right, getting ourselves congruent, getting ourselves in alignment with, with the values that matter to us, and who we really are returning to love. So that then we can go out into the world, and extend that love. To be the help is to be helpful to go out. So here's the thing. In times when we feel like things are so far away, like things are happening in other countries, and it's so far away. And people always say, What can I do to help I don't know what to do. When I feel anxious or overwhelmed, or like done it, you know, one of the best ways that I that I feel start to feel better. After Of course, I have 1000 tools in my toolbox. So I use the ones that I know helped me. But also sometimes taking action, doing something for others being in service to others. Now, I'm not talking about martyrdom where you're just like always giving, always giving, always giving, always giving, and then you have nothing left, and then you just start to feel worn down rundown and resentful. I'm not talking about that. But once you get yourself right, first you go in, you do your own work, you take a look around you notice the places where you're a violent, you notice a place where you're numbing or whatever you notice the place where your trauma and triggers are happening, right? Do you work. And then again, take a look around. And instead of looking for the other helpers, because here's the deal, guys, we're the adults now, we're not the little kids anymore. I mean, we feel that way we all have, we all have our inner child and our little kids inside of us. But the way that we soothe and help them too, is by becoming the adults that we needed. So now where are the adults? Like I turned 55 The other day, and it's still I just think like, oh my god, like I like doubled over here, right? So it's like, Okay, now, where are the ones? So it's like, what can I do? Well, if you have a computer, or a phone, or access to the library, where you can look things up, we have books, we have the internet, we have YouTube, we have podcasts, right? It's like, we have these ways to first of all, educate ourselves to find out to do some research, research, some, maybe some organizations or some charities or people who are on the ground and can actually see what's happening in these places. Do a little research, instead of just sitting around clicking your teeth second up that that's so awful, oh, it's so awful. You know, put your money where your mouth is, is it's so awful, that you're going to be inspired to actually do something. Because we can all sit around like wringing our hands. And look, I'm not saying everybody at every point in time is gonna have the resources, right? You might have you might be you know, receiving chemo, you might your house might have just burned down, you might have a sick kid, you might have just lost your job or lost your home or like, I'm not saying every person all the time is going to have the resources but those of us who are able to respond. I think it's imperative that we do. So whether that's donating some money, right you find an organization for something that aligns with your values or something that you feel good giving money to. And you feel like okay, I've done you know, I've done something. Because that can feel very empowering. I'm doing something I'm writing my congressman, I'm making a phone call. I'm you know, moving on to the next thing I'm volunteering. Because if you can't always give your time, I mean, give your money, maybe you can give your time. Maybe you can give your your skill set, maybe you can give your talent, maybe you can give your energy. So maybe you can volunteer somewhere. And that's the thing when things feel so far away. What I often tell people is start close to home. So maybe I can't do anything, physically, of course, about little children who are being killed in other countries. But I can take a look around in my head own neighborhood, I can take a look around and my own close, like, you know, I always think of that spiral, you sat in the center with yourself. And as it spirals out and it gets bigger, it's like, Okay. Does my neighbor need anything? Does my sweetie need anything? Does a family member need anything? Does one of my friends need anything? does? You know, I don't have human kids, but I'm saying like, Does my school need somebody to volunteer? Can I maybe give somebody a ride to go vote? Like whatever it is? Can I make my sick, you know, cousin some soup? And bring it to them? How can I be helpful, because we're not we're gonna hear all of these awful stories. And we might not always again have financial means to help. We might not, you know, some people who have like, let's call them big platforms on social media. Right, they might feel compelled to have a guest on to spread the word about this, we all have our own ways where we get to help. Nobody gets to tell us how we should help and what should matter to us and what we should be doing. But you get to be accountable to yourself in your own heart and your own conscience. And so you say, what can I do? And if we can't always help people who feel geographically so far away, again, this is why this charity, this is why there's you know, those kinds of things, get the word out, spread the word sometimes, right, that can be a really helpful thing. But we can also start by looking close to home, or looking at neighborhoods or looking at people that are around you, certain populations may be that need support that haven't been getting support. It gives us a sense of agency. You know, it gives you a sense of have to be of use to be useful is a very powerful thing. To feel like you're you're contributing that you're being of service that you're doing something, it is part of our well being I think as humans to know that you're not just taking or you're not just sitting around, lamenting and again, like I said, there'll be, you know, seasons and reasons why maybe you can't add a particular time, not here to judge anybody. But when we do something when we take action, you know, love to me is like action of the hat. It's when we move from just thinking about something and talking about something to kind of getting our hands involved. So this, it moves from this idea. Oh, isn't this awful, right? When you feel it in your heart, so I would say head, heart hands. It starts in our head, we get moved by our heart, and then we do something with our hands. So we become the helpers. So now when something awful happens, right? You might be the people that the other people are looking to. And when Mr. Rogers mom says like, look for the helpers, you might be one of those people. Because there are always the people who stand up and step in, who speak up and show up. And so it just felt important, and I don't even know when this episode is coming out. So it might even be you know, maybe I'll see if I can get it, get it in the rotation sooner. But I just know a lot of people are feeling really helpless and hopeless and just wicked sad and torn apart by everything that's happening. So before we go out first we go in again,

Karen Kenney: 00:28:52

there's all these like spiritual platitudes, right like Gandhi saying, I think Gandhi meant it. But Gandhi lived it. He couldn't say it because Gandhi lived it, right? Be the change you want to see in the world. Be come it, be it. And that's that first step of going in. Because again, we can't make good decisions. We can't be good helpers. If our own house is on fire, if we're burning to the ground, we're not going to have anything. So when we're ready, right? We get ourselves right. The best of our ability doesn't mean we wait to where perfect because Hello, that's never gonna happen. Never ever, ever, ever. Right? We do the best with what we got. Right? So we go in, we look at our own selves. Whatever the cause is, or whatever, Oh, you want less violence? Where are you being violent in your life? Pay attention to that. How can we change that? Right? You want less racism, deal with your own racism? Deal with your own bias, deal with your own bullshit, right? Work on that stuff. Start to get yourself right. And then we can go out because when we feel completely depleted of resources, we're not going to be resourceful. We're not going to have resources to give or to share. Now, it doesn't mean because I've seen people who have had throughout my lifetime, I have seen people who have had almost nothing be some of the most generous people I have ever met. So let's not like you know, let's not hypnotize ourselves into thinking like oh, kk said, I just I know, I need to go to therapy first, before I can be helpful. That is not what I'm saying. I am saying, you know, do your work. Do your work, feel your feelings, get some help use your tools, right? Do your stuff, be patient be responsible for your own well being your, you know, your four levels of healing, emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, so that then you can be a resource and share your resources and be resourceful and help other people. And sometimes it might be that you'll have the opportunity to travel to faraway places and to literally be boots on the ground, their hands on the ground there, love on the ground there. But sometimes we start closer to home

Karen Kenney: 00:31:20

so we want to get the message in. Before we get the message out. We want to first go in before we go out. Because we don't want to be showing up with all of our trauma and drama and stress and anxiety and shit like trying to like Right. And there's there's a ton of tools out there. There's a ton of tools out there for a nervous system regulation, everything from breath, work, to somatic work, to yoga, you know, tapping bilateral stimulation EMDR if you see a therapist, right havening techniques, you know, I mean, there's There's so much available for us to learn how to, to hypnosis, hello hypnosis, audios, meditation, prayer, journaling, writing, self expression, I mean, there's a there's 1000 ways, just as I always say, is 1001 ways to suffer, there were 1001 ways to help and to help yourself so that you can be a better helper. So I hope we can just kind of I mean, I don't want to go off on some tangent about all the badness in the world, the madness drives me mad. The level of separation, the level of separation that we are all experiencing. Where we can just look at other human beings is something other than human where, how can you I don't know how we I don't know. I don't know how I don't know how we do this to each other. It infuriates me at times. So but my job I always say is I feel my feelings. I do my best to process things. I do myself best to be with things. And then I get back to the business of love. Because that's my work. My work isn't sitting on the sidelines, like lamenting, right? My work is and it's not spiritually bypassing, it's not toxic positive, it's none of that it's about this shit is really happening. Right? This is fucking awful. This is devastating. This is this is not right, etc, etc, etc. And then I always ask, How can I help? What can I do about it? What resources do I have? What can I contribute? How can I serve? And I try to do that through my work. I try to do it through my coaching programs and my podcast and you know, the free resources, podcasts, like retreats, things that I do. I mean, yes, it's how I make my living, but it's in the service to trying to, you know, to help others and to help to help the parents who have little kids and to help to help the humans the adults who have little kids inside of them that still need help so that they become become I always say, if your self help starts with stops it yourself than it is it is incomplete. It's not self helping and healing so that we can sit in our little bubbles and pretend like the world isn't on fire. Okay, so hopefully, hopefully this was helpful somehow. But I want to encourage you to just not sit with it always. Don't sit in the shitty diaper don't sit in your despair for so long that you become paralyzed. Right You know how the tin man like and Wizard of Oz like he needed somebody to come along to help him oil his joints, right? We gotta we gotta keep our joints movable. And yeah, sometimes we might have to sit down in a field and take a rest. So first we go in, and then we go out, and always with love to the best of our ability with love. So it is Amen. So you guys, wherever you go, wherever you go, may you leave the people, you come across all the people, the ones who look like you, the ones who don't look like you, the ones who maybe have relationships like yours or don't have relationships like yours, right? This isn't about just loving the people who are just like you and think like you and agree with you and pray like you and whatever. Where wherever you go, may you leave the people you encounter, may you leave the pets the animals the creatures, may you leave the places the environments may you leave yourself better than how you first found them. Wherever you go, may you having been there may be a blessing. May you bring more light may you bring more ease may you bring more calm may you bring more compassion may you bring more empathy may you bring more presence may you bring more witnessing may you bring more love wherever you go, may you be the blessing. Thanks for tuning in.